Fed up of being up and down

I'm so fed up and depressed with feeling up and down. When I feel ok, I feel I can cope; when I'm not ok, I just want to give up, and yes Ric sometimes I just want to die like you have. However I cope you're never going to be here ever again, and I can't bare it. I have to stay mentally sane on the right track for Thom, but it's so hard. One minute I'm coping, then something from nowhere like the fact we won't go on holiday together again, that you won't walk in the door, that you won't see Thom grow up, that we won't be together, EVERYTHING , I so wish you could be here. This time last year, was normal, neither of us knew that today, this, now, would be a different life. I want to feel good again, but how will I truly ever without you by my side. I'm taking Thom to visit your memorial plaque tomorrow in the cemetery, he's 5, I'm 37, you were 49, it was never meant to be this way. I miss you from the deepest depths of my heart, it's so hard. Xx