February 23

So today makes 3 days clean, 2 sober, but I can't deny that I have thought about it. I am constantly in pain and confused about everything. Last night my boyfriend took me to his moms house and his niece was there. She is 1 and the cutest thing ever and it made me long for my daughter and made me feel guilty again. Also I have fallen for this girl. She is amazing. She makes me laugh all the time even when u don't want to and she is so perfect. Like an angel. My best friend is coming down from Washington in 6 days and I keep getting more and more excited, I can't wait for my own vacation at the end if next month. Maybe for my birthday I'll wish to be happy, like I do every year. But maybe I won't because it never comes true. I had the dream again. Where I kill myself over and over, each time a different way. I honestly don't know how I would wanna go but I think of it often and I great detail, also I hate when people lie.especially about self harm, it's messed up, feeling like crap today. Just wish it would all go away.