feather in the storm

hi.
made dinner.  sat on couch - turned on a comedy.  realized i wasn't laughing.  not once,not at all........too tired.  face felt burny.......neck & collarbone area.  i had red cheeks - red streaks on my neck red streaks around collarbone. I've had this before .......where the skin stings......the streaky rash.  It was a little after 8......went to bed.
Fresh cool water tastes so good.  Gritty tired red eyes.  Series of naps last night. 
Wake - the burning stinging is gone........  Made it through the night.........good.
Brush teeth.  Wash face.  Finger comb hair into messy bun 101.  Alternating between hot & shivery.  Strange life.  I look at the mattress pad, it looks at me.  Maybe later, maybe.
Pain does grump a body out.  Prayer .......reaching out to God helps.  He knows I want things that are  hard.  I want time in the company of others.  Church......family. I want to make the bed. 
bed is this BIG, hard core rapper big.  Big is now BEEEE-EEEGUE - has more than one syllable. I am no match for this big bed.
Sometimes anger spreads like little flames........instead of grabbing the water hose, I feel critical.  of self and others......and feel shame after.  those little 2 mg muscle relaxers sure do have a big job.  i was telling sun that sometimes it feels like throwing a cup of water on a big fire.  it can't do the job, but it does keep me out of the center of the blaze.  is it the season change?  could be......is it just my turn to flare more than usual........probably.  would a compassionate visit from someone help?  not sure, it might very well be my undoing.  live kindness would dissolve me into a soggy wet ball of tears. could i recover from kindness?
goal: befriend yourself at all times.  especially when feeling helpless.
if someone came and made the bed.......did a few things for me i don't think i could take it.  what is wrong with me.......that i think this way?  i'm not going to spend my day thinking like this.  i won't, it's not like me longterm.......i promise you it isn't........gonna release this, let it go.
self-talk:
"you've been here before little girl, and you've come through it."  flare hits - it never ever FAILS to surprise......flare knocks you down - just a feather in a big storm........all you can do is float while the storm crashes all around you.......float, wait and rest.  when ya fight, it hurts MORE........gotta float.
prayed this morning..........i read ya'll's kindness ......ya'll are a loving oasis in the middle of the mojave........drank it in and felt better........spiritually better, calmer in every way.  pulling God's love and your neighborly friendship around me like a soft shawl........is so comforting. 
outside the front window... freshly woven shades of green lace have overtaken the branches........another week and it will be a beautiful protective lush backdrop...........from my window i can see the top of the roofline of the house across the street.......everything else is all tree branches........very pretty.
it helps to look out........gonna stay mindful of not dwellin' ........if you dwell too much on sad it will march right in and try to stay.  if you dwell for a bit, then release it.......there is room for joy ........ i like joy, i want it to come in and fill up the cracks in my heart.  wish you could hear the sweet sounds of the morning here.......the birds chatter in their native tongue. 
wish i could speak bird........does rosetta stone teach bird?  dunno, i do know that his eye is on the sparrow......thanks......love to all ya'll........
went to stand up and doubled over with muscle spasms in my tummy, abdomen and back.  leaned on the table and waited...........it passed pretty much, had to sit - regroup...... not a good time for questions, got to lay down.