Fears or Confusion?
The last 8 months have certainly been some of the hardest that I have ever been through. I know that without this site and you wonderful ladies that those 8 months would have been even more difficult to bear. Thanks to all of you for helping me through!
Lately though I have been finding myself questioning things that I have always taken for granted that I wanted. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom, after the loss I was conflicted about trying again, as I feared having to go through the pain and grief of another loss. Yet, after talking to DH we decided that the positives out weighed the negatives and decided to go ahead and TTC again. Not long after I lost my job and TTC was put on hold.
We have been discussing trying to TTC again in the next few months and at first I was nervous, but excited. Now that I have been thinking about it for a bit I am having some very mixed feelings. And I am genuinely questioning whether having a child right now (or possibly ever) is the right thing for us. At first I thought that maybe this was fear of another loss creeping in, but it honestly doesn't feel like that. I am so very conflicted and am terrified because I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I never really thought about why I wanted a child so much, I just knew that I did. Now I am questioning the validity and source of that desire. Am I crazy?
I feel so guilty about feeling this way. DH was never gung ho about kids, but said that if I wanted them then he would too. Since the loss it seems like his desire is far greater than mine and I would hate it if I gave him that desire and then said no kids. I finally got the courage to talk to him about all of this last night, and he was understandably shocked and surprised. (I cried the entire time. In fact, I am cring while I am writing this now.) He seems to think that I am just over thinking things and worrying like I always do. He went though the whole spiel about how it was normal to be apprehensive etc. etc. I tried to explain that I didn't really think that this was going from fear or apprehension; that I am genuinely fearful of making the wrong choice. He said he would be OK with waiting for a couple of months if I wanted to think things out. Shouldn't I have been thinking about this for the 6 months that we couldn't TTC? I feel like an alien has taken over my body or something; these ideas and feelings are so foreign to me.
I think on some level I do want a child, but that the strong desire, the need for a child is no longer there. Is this a normal reaction? Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I might want to try again, but at the same time if we didn't it would be OK too. I feel so horrible for doing this to my poor DH. He has been so supportive and has been through so much with me these last few months. . . he doesn't deserve this.
Lately though I have been finding myself questioning things that I have always taken for granted that I wanted. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom, after the loss I was conflicted about trying again, as I feared having to go through the pain and grief of another loss. Yet, after talking to DH we decided that the positives out weighed the negatives and decided to go ahead and TTC again. Not long after I lost my job and TTC was put on hold.
We have been discussing trying to TTC again in the next few months and at first I was nervous, but excited. Now that I have been thinking about it for a bit I am having some very mixed feelings. And I am genuinely questioning whether having a child right now (or possibly ever) is the right thing for us. At first I thought that maybe this was fear of another loss creeping in, but it honestly doesn't feel like that. I am so very conflicted and am terrified because I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I never really thought about why I wanted a child so much, I just knew that I did. Now I am questioning the validity and source of that desire. Am I crazy?
I feel so guilty about feeling this way. DH was never gung ho about kids, but said that if I wanted them then he would too. Since the loss it seems like his desire is far greater than mine and I would hate it if I gave him that desire and then said no kids. I finally got the courage to talk to him about all of this last night, and he was understandably shocked and surprised. (I cried the entire time. In fact, I am cring while I am writing this now.) He seems to think that I am just over thinking things and worrying like I always do. He went though the whole spiel about how it was normal to be apprehensive etc. etc. I tried to explain that I didn't really think that this was going from fear or apprehension; that I am genuinely fearful of making the wrong choice. He said he would be OK with waiting for a couple of months if I wanted to think things out. Shouldn't I have been thinking about this for the 6 months that we couldn't TTC? I feel like an alien has taken over my body or something; these ideas and feelings are so foreign to me.
I think on some level I do want a child, but that the strong desire, the need for a child is no longer there. Is this a normal reaction? Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I might want to try again, but at the same time if we didn't it would be OK too. I feel so horrible for doing this to my poor DH. He has been so supportive and has been through so much with me these last few months. . . he doesn't deserve this.
Replies
I am in the same boat with you, Platy. You\'re not crazy at all (or maybe we\'re both crazy.) I got my period today and was tremendously relieved. I\'ve started thinking of all the things we\'d have to give up with a child ... and there\'s no going back once it happens. No take-overs. It is not a glamorous life (not that my regular life is, but you get the gist.) Thinking about all of this has made me tremendously conflicted.
I\'m awaiting results of my husband\'s medical tests, and we might be getting some bad health news for him -- in which case, I definitely would not want to have a child because of the risk of having to care for the child pretty much on my own a lot of the time.
Having a child is a big, big deal. It\'s not a toy or entertainment, and that\'s something that I think it takes some maturity to understand. When you fully understand it, the rational components of the decision come into play and can affect one\'s biological drive.
Thank you for your response 2cats. I understand the situation with your husband\'s health (I hope you get god news.) as my husband also has some pretty significant health concerns. That I am sure plays some small role in my concerns as well.
I do want to make clear though that I have always been ready & willing to adjust my life to make room for a child or children. I think this is one of the main reasons I am so confused by this situation and feelings. I have never questioned this before and it is confusing and terrifying to me. I never thought I would be in a position where DH was more enthsiastic and ready for kids than me.
I am just fearful of making any decision at all. It seems so ridiculous to be thinking and feeling these things; if I hadn\'t mc\'d than my due date would be less than 3 weeks away. Would I felt this way then too?
hey, if you girls are crazy - hand me your meds because I\'m actually pregnant and feeling exactly the same way! Of course I keep asking if it\'s part of preparing myself for loss. I honestly don\'t think you\'d have felt this way had you had your baby ... at least no more than every other mother I\'ve ever had an honest conversation with who admits that at least once in their child\'s life, they wondered if another choice wouldn\'t have suited them just as well. Motherhood is the one decision in life we can\'t go back on so it\'s no wonder we over think it! Think how hard it is just to chose a job or a paint color!!!! This is supposed to be tough!
I also wouldn\'t beat yourself up for not having made a decision given all the soul searching you\'ve done recently - in some ways, jumping back into conception is a knee jerk - a way to avoid coping with loss I think. in some ways it\'s the worst possible time to make this decision. I didn\'t have the luxury of time to decide because of my age - you do. If you need time, you take it. I am pretty sure all your practical issues and the emotional turmoil of loss are playing their part but it\'s a good thing to question what you actually want. We are so pre-programmed as women to want kids, especially by other people, and that even applies to the timing of them, that we don\'t always ask those questions. I know for me, I\'ll be really happy if this pregnancy works out - but if it doesn\'t, i am not going to try again. As I said to 2cats, maybe we\'re just the lucky ones who do accept what\'s given to us in life and can still be happy ... you take your time in deciding which road to go down.
Yes indeed. These are definitely good things to think about -- it is such a huge decision and if you don\'t feel 100% committed to it, then it\'s time to step back and understand why.
Personally I\'m starting to see my mc as a blessing, because I think it would\'ve been a huge mistake for us to have children. I think that coming to terms with everything that child-rearing means -- taking the blinders off -- brought that home for my personal situation. But everyone needs to take stock of their own situation. If after some healthy assessment you begin to both rationally and emotionally embrace it again, then you are fully ready to begin the process (probably better and stronger than ever.) Good luck!