Fears or Confusion?
The last 8 months have certainly been some of the hardest that I have ever been through. I know that without this site and you wonderful ladies that those 8 months would have been even more difficult to bear. Thanks to all of you for helping me through!
Lately though I have been finding myself questioning things that I have always taken for granted that I wanted. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom, after the loss I was conflicted about trying again, as I feared having to go through the pain and grief of another loss. Yet, after talking to DH we decided that the positives out weighed the negatives and decided to go ahead and TTC again. Not long after I lost my job and TTC was put on hold.
We have been discussing trying to TTC again in the next few months and at first I was nervous, but excited. Now that I have been thinking about it for a bit I am having some very mixed feelings. And I am genuinely questioning whether having a child right now (or possibly ever) is the right thing for us. At first I thought that maybe this was fear of another loss creeping in, but it honestly doesn't feel like that. I am so very conflicted and am terrified because I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I never really thought about why I wanted a child so much, I just knew that I did. Now I am questioning the validity and source of that desire. Am I crazy?
I feel so guilty about feeling this way. DH was never gung ho about kids, but said that if I wanted them then he would too. Since the loss it seems like his desire is far greater than mine and I would hate it if I gave him that desire and then said no kids. I finally got the courage to talk to him about all of this last night, and he was understandably shocked and surprised. (I cried the entire time. In fact, I am cring while I am writing this now.) He seems to think that I am just over thinking things and worrying like I always do. He went though the whole spiel about how it was normal to be apprehensive etc. etc. I tried to explain that I didn't really think that this was going from fear or apprehension; that I am genuinely fearful of making the wrong choice. He said he would be OK with waiting for a couple of months if I wanted to think things out. Shouldn't I have been thinking about this for the 6 months that we couldn't TTC? I feel like an alien has taken over my body or something; these ideas and feelings are so foreign to me.
I think on some level I do want a child, but that the strong desire, the need for a child is no longer there. Is this a normal reaction? Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I might want to try again, but at the same time if we didn't it would be OK too. I feel so horrible for doing this to my poor DH. He has been so supportive and has been through so much with me these last few months. . . he doesn't deserve this.
Lately though I have been finding myself questioning things that I have always taken for granted that I wanted. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom, after the loss I was conflicted about trying again, as I feared having to go through the pain and grief of another loss. Yet, after talking to DH we decided that the positives out weighed the negatives and decided to go ahead and TTC again. Not long after I lost my job and TTC was put on hold.
We have been discussing trying to TTC again in the next few months and at first I was nervous, but excited. Now that I have been thinking about it for a bit I am having some very mixed feelings. And I am genuinely questioning whether having a child right now (or possibly ever) is the right thing for us. At first I thought that maybe this was fear of another loss creeping in, but it honestly doesn't feel like that. I am so very conflicted and am terrified because I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I never really thought about why I wanted a child so much, I just knew that I did. Now I am questioning the validity and source of that desire. Am I crazy?
I feel so guilty about feeling this way. DH was never gung ho about kids, but said that if I wanted them then he would too. Since the loss it seems like his desire is far greater than mine and I would hate it if I gave him that desire and then said no kids. I finally got the courage to talk to him about all of this last night, and he was understandably shocked and surprised. (I cried the entire time. In fact, I am cring while I am writing this now.) He seems to think that I am just over thinking things and worrying like I always do. He went though the whole spiel about how it was normal to be apprehensive etc. etc. I tried to explain that I didn't really think that this was going from fear or apprehension; that I am genuinely fearful of making the wrong choice. He said he would be OK with waiting for a couple of months if I wanted to think things out. Shouldn't I have been thinking about this for the 6 months that we couldn't TTC? I feel like an alien has taken over my body or something; these ideas and feelings are so foreign to me.
I think on some level I do want a child, but that the strong desire, the need for a child is no longer there. Is this a normal reaction? Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I might want to try again, but at the same time if we didn't it would be OK too. I feel so horrible for doing this to my poor DH. He has been so supportive and has been through so much with me these last few months. . . he doesn't deserve this.
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