fear compassion trust

at one time in my life, i was very adventurous on my own. I loved going for long walks in the city 

and other places and would photograph curious things and go and find performances to go to - traveling was never and issue.

it was only since my illness came on that the whole process of traveling for my own diversion became

something to fear - something illegitimate - something not accessible -something I didn't own as my own.

I just drove a father to North Frederick. We went to the gym and we did some shopping for supplies.

On the way back I ruminated over some bullshit one of the sisters served up today - 

but then I thought about - why don't I go out into the city? it's only an hour away!??

There's this great performance coming to the National Cathedral - and I bet it will be really really

interesting and good. I think I've so needed to discern or explain my experience after becoming ill

that now I've felt this fear and illegitimacy to my experience.

The bullshit with the sister really tested my trusting nature - and I never really thought before

of not trusting so much - but then in the face of that I still being a part of this group of crazy monastics.

I think maybe I am starting to see what motivates me to go out into the city- 

rather than just eating the bread of life - I don't know - I really don't know -

I hate that I feel I need to explain everything. Maybe I am seeing what motivates me

and what motivates others - it's not always the same thing. I don't have to explain

it but maybe know it - when others and myself don't meet at the minds about certain stuff.

The sister's really to my face said so many wonderful things last night -

and then she texted the ELDER things which he forwarded to me

that were so scathing, accusatory and hurtful - I just told him

I can't take her seriously - she started to cry that she was just keeping

the elder abreast of how I was doing/progressing. 

It was a pretty ridiculous thing - and I said "I don't know why I help her with so much!"

It's all calming down now - I just know to grow maybe as an adult from this - workplace issues

chock it up to.