Fear and Anxiety

I don't know what to write about tonight. I took my medication a while ago so I hope to fall asleep soon. My mom is mad at me because I didn't want to share any of my cup cakes lol. I apologized and then told her I loved her in a text. I have one thing to be excited for right now. My new deck in my car and the dinner party that Rachael is throwing for katie her and I. This should be fun hanging with those girls, we haven't done something like this in a very long time. I think that it should be good to do something with Katie and Rachael's relationship. I think that I'll bring three bottles of wine and some pot and this way we can relax and have fun. I think we all need to talk and share and connect again somehow. I hope that I don't fall into a trap of breaking up with Rachael because she now has Katie's friendship again, although I think that Katie is going to give the two of them a lot of distance. I hope this think with my mom blows over by tomorrow, I really don't want to have to deal with something floating around above my head. 
 
I love my mother and I need her support and her positive attitude to go on. With her I cn do anything but with out her I can't function properly. My dad called me today we spoke for only a moment about the weekend and our cell phone package. I haven't been there since moving out and I feel weird about going there. What I am wondering is, is he going to ask me over for Christmas Eve, Christmas? Am I going to see him? Do I need to ask or invite myself into his holiday plans? And if I don't ask, will he feel like it's on me and that I don't wan't to participate in his holiday? Things are sometimes more complicated in my mind. Somethings I am just not sure what to think. What is a logical thought versus a stupid or useless thought? Most of the time my mom responds to my comments with 'there's nothing to worry about"
 
I am still so ashamed that I have given up on my classes for this semester. I don't do things like that. I don't give up, I guess I do now. I hope I get a response from a job soon. I really need one before I am totally out of money. 
 
I need to make everyday count. I need to do everything  in my power to be happy, I must be happy. I want to feel that feeling again. I don't care at this point if it is mania or if I am just going through some moods. I am feeling those meds now and I think that I am going to start to try to sleep. But I don't feel like reading so I think that I will just go to sleep.
 
Goodnight moon.