fear and anger

the fear is setting in again the what if's are invading my head i want him to be in jail already so i dont have to wonder what they are gonna ask me i don't want to have to face him again and re-live in an instant the whole thing to have to tell the courts every detail every sickening moment that i would love to forget forever recently i found out him and his brother also did the same thing to my cousin and blamed her the more i find out the sicker i feel to be a part of the family what other things do i not know what other twisted crap went on and i want less to do with them and society for it i feel this is one of my only places besides my therapist's office i can even talk about my feelings and thoughts i feel that society doesnt care anymore to hear our stories because they cant fathom what to think they just don't want to while we often sit in silence going through he## racking our brains wondering why how could i have been so stupid when other people were trying to tell me something didn't seem to add up with my father he didn't seem very fathery (off ) was what they said but i trusted him now i feel stupid and can't seem to stop beating my head against the wall (in a figurative way only)what do i do i'm so upset and the waiting to find out when they are going to prosecute his worthless butt is killing me inside!!!!! i do know that like other things in my life i will get through this i am a strong person but at times my strength falters and all i wanna do is sleep and cry or eat the pain away and the depression has busted through the door and taken over for the day and i can only hope tomorow will be better