Family, etc.
There is a really long story that goes along with this. However, I feel like talking to someone about this so I am hoping to at least get a few responses. This shouldn't be triggering, but be aware that this is about family issues, so if you feel triggered by these things, please just know that it is here. Anyway, I have a lot of problems with my extended family, particularly my grandmother. My mother feels torn between our immediate family and her parents. I try to encourage her to stand up for herself and not always do every little thing her parents ask her. I feel very controlled by her family and it is like we have no control over what happens in our own house. Various painful things have happened over the years and so it is not completely about my mother's feelings, but it is also very personal for me as well. My mother misinterpreted something I said, and was very upset with me. She told my dad that I would never help her when she gets old and that she never has these problems when I am away at college. My dad actually agreed with her and said that yes, I would never help them. Now, I think I help. Yesterday was Christmas, and I helped a lot more than most of the other people here. I expect this kind of behavior from my mom because she is always like that, but I was especially hurt by my dad because we have gotten closer lately and he has started standing up for me when my mom does things like this. But he agreed with her and I don't understand why. So I feel awful right now. Like a complete burden to my family. You might say to just not tell my mother what to do anymore as it isn't my place anyway. But she asks me for advice. She asks me what to do and I tell her what I think. I keep telling myself to just do the best I can and that is all I can do, but right now that isn't helping. I could use some support right now because due to this and many other things that happened over Christmas and over the year in general, I am feeling positively crushed right now. I know it probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but there is so much more to it, but if I wrote all that it would be a novel. Thank you all for reading, and please respond if you read this. I need some comments or hugs right now. :)
Replies
Heya
I would feel pretty stuck too. I dont have much to say, but one thing Ive noticed is that with things like the situation with your dad where you are getting along better with him then he falls back, that might be out of habit. I mean once people get used to aggreeing with whatever its a bit to get them to stand up for themselves.
What about all of this is making you feel burdonous?
Hi TwilightStar, thank you for your reply. I think the burden feeling is just coming from what my mom said about things being better when I am not here. I was doing the best I could and I didn\'t mean to cause problems, but apparently that is what happened and according to them I am making things worse now and will be completely unreliable in the future.
I am trying to convince myself otherwise and not feel this way, but it is hard to hear it from your own parents in the first place.
You sound like a great daughter to me. Your profile says you are 18 and for an 18 year old you sound like a pretty caring person to me.
It\'s not your fault, as you probably know, that your mother will not set boundaries with her parents. It\'s good that you encourage her to do so, but the bottom line is she has to get it inside her head to do it for herself. I am sorry her family is controlling and intrusive. I would find that to be very upsetting, annoying and frustrating depending upon what is and has been going on. Unfortunately, we can\'t change others. We can encourage them to do so, express our feelings, say what is on our mind, etc., etc., but basically they won\'t change unless they decide to. The great news, though, is that you are 18 and will be able to get a place of your own in the not too distant future. It\'s something you can begin to think about now and plan for. When you get your own place, you will be able to set boundaries, and if necessary limited interactions between yourself and your mother\'s family.
As for the comments from your parents, try not to take them to heart. I mean, what a thing to say to your daughter over Christmas. If you know that you were helpful yesterday, and that you help out with things around the house on a regular basis, then please don\'t take these comments to heart. Gosh, my daughter is 16 going on 17 and she doesn\'t help out with housework or chores most of the time! Try not to think of yourself as a burden. My goodness, you really do sound pretty considerate and nice to me and I am a great judge of character. I\'m sorry you are feeling crushed, misunderstood and unappreciated, but remember, just because people make comments to you like this, it doesn\'t mean it is necessarily true. Unfortunately, people can sometimes say things without much forethought. Keep that in mind. Know who are are because, at the end of the day, that\'s all that counts. Best wishes and hugs go out to you.
Just thought I\'d stop by to say: Hope things are going better for you today. Also, in my reply the second line from the end should read: Know who YOU are because at the end of the day, that\'s all that counts. Hugs and best wishes go out to you.