Family disputes
I've always been the peacemaker. I don't like conflict and I pride myself in getting along with pretty much everyone -- despite being a lawyer -- I prefer to me a mediator rather than a litigator. But I think that that is going to change and I think I'm ok with it.
We recently bought a vacation condo in the same place as that my in-laws have owned for decades. It's a small HOA with 15 families and there has always been dissension and nitpicking between the owners, frequently involving my step-mother-in-law. In the past, we just smiled and ignored it all since we were not owners and we didn't care to be involved. Recently my husband did not just smile and ignore an email sent by my mother-in-law complaining about other owners. He replied to the email and told her that everyone's blood pressure would be better off by ignoring these issues and that he didn't give a darn about the rule violation she was complaining about and didn't want to hear about it because he didn't want to waste one more minute of his life on trivialities. Not as tactful as he could be, but he had had enough of the frequent complaints.
Total silence from my mother-in-law since then. Clearly she's mad at us. I don't want to be estranged from any family member, but I have so much less tolerance for negativity and petty nonsense than I did before Jackson died. We are carrying around so much sadness and grief from losing him that we don't have room to waste on listening to glass half empty trivialities from other people.
So I'm pondering if I should send an email to my step-mother-in-law, saying (nicely) that we prefer not to hear about these kinds of issues because we prefer to not dwell on small problems and want to get along with our neighbors unless they are affirmatively trying to hurt us or someone else and that doesn't include violating HOA rules by converting a garage into a playroom. Or should I leave well enough alone?
Probably nothing I would say would change her mind; it would just make me feel better. I've already told her once recently when we were visiting that since losing Jack, I don't sweat the small things anymore -- in this same context. That obviously didn't communicate the message effectively.. Not sure what to do.
We recently bought a vacation condo in the same place as that my in-laws have owned for decades. It's a small HOA with 15 families and there has always been dissension and nitpicking between the owners, frequently involving my step-mother-in-law. In the past, we just smiled and ignored it all since we were not owners and we didn't care to be involved. Recently my husband did not just smile and ignore an email sent by my mother-in-law complaining about other owners. He replied to the email and told her that everyone's blood pressure would be better off by ignoring these issues and that he didn't give a darn about the rule violation she was complaining about and didn't want to hear about it because he didn't want to waste one more minute of his life on trivialities. Not as tactful as he could be, but he had had enough of the frequent complaints.
Total silence from my mother-in-law since then. Clearly she's mad at us. I don't want to be estranged from any family member, but I have so much less tolerance for negativity and petty nonsense than I did before Jackson died. We are carrying around so much sadness and grief from losing him that we don't have room to waste on listening to glass half empty trivialities from other people.
So I'm pondering if I should send an email to my step-mother-in-law, saying (nicely) that we prefer not to hear about these kinds of issues because we prefer to not dwell on small problems and want to get along with our neighbors unless they are affirmatively trying to hurt us or someone else and that doesn't include violating HOA rules by converting a garage into a playroom. Or should I leave well enough alone?
Probably nothing I would say would change her mind; it would just make me feel better. I've already told her once recently when we were visiting that since losing Jack, I don't sweat the small things anymore -- in this same context. That obviously didn't communicate the message effectively.. Not sure what to do.
Replies
Do what you need to do. So often we as women, mothers and most of all we as grieving parents keep our mouths shut because we just don\'t have the capability do deal with most of \"life\". If I understand your journal, you recently bought in to the condo, therefore you are owners and now do have a very important voice - if you choose to use it.
By speaking up in a respectful way and letting your step mil know that you will not be backing her on her \"issues\" and that just because you are now owners does not mean that she now has more \"power\" you may be setting a very important precedent for the future. Better to nip it in the butt now than later after time has elapsed and she can interpret your silence as support.
On top of this the other owners may be wondering if your step mil will have your backing on issues. Now would probably be the best time to show everyone that you are more than capable of speaking for yourself and also, minding your own business with respecting others privacy and especially common sense!
I am sorry that you are faced with what obviously sounds like something rather trivial and of no great concern. Boy would that be low on my list of priorities!
Tight hugs, what ever you choose to do, know that grieving takes so much energy you must remember to be gentle with yourself...
Just my two cents worth...
Merrilee
I have learned that \"less\" is more and I truly feel that your husband made his point. Also, it can be a slippery slope having these kinds of conversations with our in-laws. I would leave that to your husband to have with his mother and you take care of your side of the family. That is just me and of course I know you will follow your heart and do what you feel is best. Hoping it\'s okay that I shared my thoughts as I re-read and do not offer advice unless asked and am not sure that is what you want? As they say in 12 step just take what you like and leave the rest.
I am SO with you on the petty stuff and isn\'t most of it just that. Unless it is life and limb I say leave it be and just learn how to work with it than against it.
Hoping this will all sort itself out and soon as I know how uncomfortable these kinds of situations can feel.
Loving care to you as you discern and so much understanding. I\'m so sorry that on top of your grief that you are having to deal with this. Ugh!!!
No one needs the Hatfields and the McCoys in 2014!
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
I so agree with Joanie,,,, love ya!
Well it does sound like hubby handled it...perhaps after a bit of time if she still doesn\'t get it you could explain? Fyi...some people may never get it :-(
I remember feeling the exact same way...how can this person be so upset over that little thing...I had just lost my SON! The world still keeps going on even with our loss love and gentle hugs..Karen
My two cents are.....leave it alone....at least for now. Your husband stated truth and without intent to hurt.
If you write anything at all, I would keep it to a simple statement of \"I hope you\'re doing well and know that you are loved and I hope any disagreements can be worked through without hurt feelings or negative energy. Life on earth is very short and very precious and we\'ve already lost so much\".
I agree...too many people put too much importance on things which truly have NO importance at all!!
We have lived in neighborhoods with HOA\'s. The pettiness is always ridiculous, and I hope with every fiber of my being I never live under an HOA\'s thumb again!!! Give me the countryside where my business is MY business!!!
Wishing you PEACE my friend~~
Yep, I\'d leave it alone at this point. I do use that same philosophy and state it often, to let small stuff go and how much perspective on life\'s real issues have changed with the loss of Jack ( and Seth, in my case). There will be another opportunity in the future, believe me, to casually state again, the letting go of silly stuff. Somewhere in this world there are sons going through their next round of brain cancer chemo or in surgery from a horrific car accident. That\'s where our worry, concern, and energy should be expended. Enough with HOA rules! Hugs, Patti
This is just me but I would write the letter, pouring your heart out in every way, BUT I would not send it - trash it, burn it, tear it up, whatever suits you. Your husband handled it and it is his mother.
Then I would be kind to her. \"Kill her with kindness\" my mother used to say.
Yes, trivial things just are not worth it! The people in this world just do not know the painfulness of losing a child and of course, we hope they won\'t. Losing a child puts everything in a whole new perspective!
Hugs,
Leda