family bullshit

I woke up feeling broken. I didn't even see him yesterday- just knowing he was there was enough to fuck me up. Then I smoked to relax and my boundaryless brother fucked that up. He does things that bother me and I tell him to stop and he NEVER listens then eventually it makes me chuckle bc its nervous laughter bc I don't want to scream- and he takes that like he got his validation- and I wake up sober and infuriated- it has happened since forever. Mind u- I went out of my way not to be near him- he follows me.

I have so much deadlines and commitments at my job and he called me to come get him from the doctors yesterday- so I went to get him. I'm really really mad at myself for that. He is the most needy person in the world and he doesn't care how much he takes- kind of like most of the people in my family. They look at it like I don't punch a clock so I can just take off whenever.

Its my fault for not setting clear boundaries. I just resent that I have to. Why can't these people just act right? Why is it that they take and take and take and I'm the one that is left feeling like shit- why don't they feel like shit about taking so much from me? Bc I've given so much my entire life- I've had a lifetime of putting me last- so they're used to it. The why is really inconsequential- I just have to stop right now and set the boundaries. That's why this happened- to show me that.

I hope one day I can have a family that doesn't just take from me. A family that I don't have to protect myself from. But right now that's just not my reality.