Family

Sometimes I really wonder why I am a member of my family. Guess I should start from the start to explain things and how it lead up to this today.

When I was younger my dads parents never made me feel welcomed into the family. I mean, like that they would treat my younger sister like she was the best in the world and gave her everything that she wanted, when she wanted it. They would let her stay the night while I was at home with my mom or my dad. They gave her everything and me nothing. My grandmother made it point clear one year at christmas how she really felt about me when she told me something and it hurt my feelings so much that I could never look at her the same way. I never felt like I fit in when i was around there when i was growing up. I was also made fun of by kids in school all the time. My younger sister even got into it with them and was doing it to me, even at home. I couldnt get away from it no matter where I went. I kept to myself and didnt have many, if any, friends. It was hard growing up like that I am feeling it still to this day.

Years later, I met someone and started dating him. I was 17 and he was 23. My dad was ok with it for the most part. I was also working part time and going to school, last year in high school. I was always home when I was suppose to be at night and if I was going to be late, i would call and tell my dad so that he would know why i was late and wouldnt get mad at me for being late. My younger sister was jealous of it bc she had to be home hours before I was, for one she was 2 years younger than me and she was always late and never called home to say she would be late. That same year in high school, i got to the point that I couldnt take it anymore with my family. It was like noone understood me or wanted me around. So when it was about to be Christmas break in school, I left with my at the time boyfriend, and we drove the 16 hours to my best friends house in OKC. We stayed there for about 2 months before I called and asked for Money to get back home. By the time that I got back home, school had called my dad and he went up there to get my stuff out of my locker. I guess you can say that I went through the rebal stage at the time and I was in and out of relationships for a while.

I got pregnant when I was 19 years old. At the time I was scared bc i didnt know who the father was and i was scared to tell anyone about that too.i didnt know what I was going to do at the time. my dad even asked me if there was a chance that they could tell if the baby was mixed by the ultrasound. lol. he asked that bc i had a good friend that I was with almost everyday that was a black man. My dad even asked me several times to give my baby up after I had the baby. But I couldnt do that, even though I was alone in it and was going to be doing it myself with no help other than my family. My dad didnt kick me out or anything like that which was wonderful. I had my first son 5 days after my 20th birthday. My dad and him have a good relationship now.

I got my GED after my son was about 18 months old. I was lucky and passed it on the first try and was done with it. I started working and worked for a while. When my dad had to have surgery, i had to stop working to take care of him, he had open heart surgery. Since I was living with him, i had to stop working to take care of him and drive him places everyday and take care of my son. After i while I started looking into school and looked at a couple of places that was near where I lived. i got in and started college. I was happy about it and was trying to make things work out the best that I could with all that I was going through. I even went to night classes so that my dad could watch my son while i was in school for 3 hours 3 days a week and not have to pay for day care fees for day classes.

I meet someone online that lived across town from me and we started talking for a while. We hung out a few times and became friends. Well, we was more like FBW at times bc i was still going from guy to guy. Well after about 6 months of us being friends, he asked me out and I said yes. we moved in together about 8 months into our relatonship, then 2 months later found out that i was almost 3 months pregnant with our first child together. Had my second son the following year in spring. when my son was 2 weeks old, he got sick and me and him had to stay at the childrens hositpal for 10 days bc he was very sick. My bf was home working and take care of my oldest son so he wouldnt miss school. My dad was picking up my son from school and meeting up with my bf when he got off of work and they did that till i got out of the hositpal and was able to come home. After we got back home, a couple of weeks later, I found some messages that I was scared about. He was talking to another girl while he was laying next to me in our bed with our baby asleep between us. I was so hurt and mad and took his phone and tossed it at him and hit him in the head with it and went off on him. We talked it out and worked on it for a long time and stayed together. But somethings was never the same between me and him. Now, I am not saying that I am perfect bc i am not. I did step out of the relationship one time and told him right after it happened. When he kissed the girl he worked with at the time and was also texting her messages about being in her bed etc, it was the second time that I had caught him doing something like this to me and it was a shock each time too. I just couldnt believe that he would do that to me when he had a newborn baby and all that we just went through with our baby.

Then had some people that I thouht was my friend and grew up with them start things about me online and started calling me and leaving me messages and texting me nasty things and saying they was going to come to my house and pull me into the street and kick my a**, etc. They knew where I lived and knew i was home with my kids alone at night time. I was scared to say and had to call the police to my house bc they was threatening me and my kids. The police called them and told them to stay away from me, dont call, dont text, dont email, if I wet somewhere and they was there, they had to leave or i was there and they showed up they had to leave or they would be going to jail. I couldnt sleep for a couple of days bc i was affraid something would happen at night while i was home with my kids alone while my bf was at work till 2 am.

Well I loved 4 hours away to another state. I just had to get away from it all and wanted a fresh start. I thought that I was doing something good for my family by moving and getting away from people that was always trying to break my family up and was trying to make me unhappy all the time. me and my boyfriend started having problems and i got pregnant and then lost the baby. A year later, the same thing happened and i lost another baby again. I was heartbroken and i was in shock from it all at the time. I didnt know what i was doing wrong or what was going on with me. The following year, I found out I was pregnant again. i was scared and didnt know what to do. We wasnt trying to have another baby and i was on the pil but ran out and was waiting to see a new doctor to get more. During that time that i was out, i got pregnant. I had a baby girl the following spring. I was so happy. I was engaged and we was happy. Yes we was having some problems but was trying to make it work for our kids. When my daughter was 3 months old, we started talking about things and how we each felt and we broke up. He stayed here in the house for a few months and told him that I couldnt do it anymore. That he had to move out bc i couldnt take it anymore, the house was my families house and i wasnt about to leave. He had said somethings that i am sure was just to hurt me at the time but i will never know. He told me that he didnt even want to move when we did but said he did bc he loved me, wanted to be with me and be with his son. He moved out to another state to live with the girl he was talking to/dating.

Well, now my family and I dont have much to do with eachother much since I moved. I visit them a couple times a year and they come down here twice a year to visit. Its a 4 hours drive one way. This past weekend, me and my kids loaded up in the truck and made the long trip to my dads house for the weekend. i was going to see my sisters baby that she just had. My oldest was also going to stay for 2 weeks for a visit. I drove up friday and was going to drive back sunday. Well, when i go my depression and anxiety get bad and i just dont get it anymore with them. I feel like an outcast, like i dont fit in with them anymore, almost like they dont want me around them anymore. So saturday, i left with my younger kids and drove back home. I told my dad how i felt and at first he didnt say anything, then later he asked me if he made me feel like that and i told him yes and no. I just dont know why i go anymore other then my kids. I also told him that they are the only reason that I come to visit anymore. I am at the point that I dont want to go there anymore bc i dont feel welcomed there or part of the family anymore. I sometimes hate my family and i feel so alone in all of this. I dont know what to do anymore and i really wonder why i am apart of this family that makes me feel like i dont belong. I dont know if they really ever understood why I moved when I moved. I also dont know what to do about feeling this way with my family now. I just dont feel like I am part of the family, never really did i guess you can say. I just get depressed about it more then I am already depressed. I just feel lost about it all too. I really feel alone with just me and my kids.