fallingt apart
Well I woke up today. I feel like I am falling apart. I had resigned myself that James Robert had died of an OD. I was slowly coming to terms with that. Now, even though I am very very glad to know he didn't die of an od, I am adrift in a sea of pain. God how I wish I could crawl into a hole and hide to get away from this pain. I keep coming back t why why why. What could I have done or said to prevent his death. Nothing helps. This news just threw me back into the sea of pain, not knowing what happened. There is nothing more than I wish I could have been with him on his last night. I wish I had more time with him. I wish I wish I wish. I could fill up a ton of pages with I wish's. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why did he have to die? They found some THC (weed) in his body and I know he was using it to help with the pain. I also know THC never killed anyone. So why my baby? What happened that last night? Was he in pain, agony? Why why why. It feels like my heart has been ripped open again. Yesterday was april fools day. James loved that day. He was always so full of fun.
I really appreciate all of you here. Thank you for your understanding and caring. Thank you for a place that I can put all my feeling down and no one pokes fun at me or says I am not normal. I am sorry that I can't help anyone else at this time. I wish I could be helpful to those that need it. But honestly, I cant see past this pain. hopefully one day I can help others as you have helped me.
I really appreciate all of you here. Thank you for your understanding and caring. Thank you for a place that I can put all my feeling down and no one pokes fun at me or says I am not normal. I am sorry that I can't help anyone else at this time. I wish I could be helpful to those that need it. But honestly, I cant see past this pain. hopefully one day I can help others as you have helped me.
Replies
Yesterday must have been so hard for you. All the memories.
All those unanswered questions - Why him? Why now? What could I have done differently? They drive us scatty. I wish there were answers.
This whole journey is a series of ups and downs - just when you think you have a handle on it something else comes up to open the wounds. I know it is repeating but the pain really does ease. It will never be okay, but life is livable again. Hang in.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I\'m sorry you don\'t have the answers your heart needs right now....
The questions can truly drive us batty!
Hang in there my friend. You WILL survive this!!
Tight heart hugs~~Teri
You ARE helping others here. Just by putting into words what we all have felt or are now feeling and going through on this very difficult journey. It means everything to really \'know\' that we are not alone and that we have this place to come to to share, to grieve, to honor, to have a voice, to cry or scream, and for a look into the future from those who have gone through this before us. We know we are all \"normal\" from what we share here.
I too know your \"pain\", your \"falling apart\", your \"WHY\", your \"what could I have done\", your \"wish wish wish\", the \"what happened that night\" and \"was there pain and agony.\" It is so deep and so raw, and at times unbearable. We have to trust that we WILL get through this. Together we can. It is what makes us all here sisters of the heart. Much love and hugs to you sister. Dee xo