falling apart, piece by piece.

I am completely falling apart.. I feel so lost and broken.. I went back to cutting... But I've stopped again... it's very difficult though...  Well I'm trying... I don't see the point in not cutting or even living... I don't want to be alive.. I've had a LOT of drama with my most recent boyfriend... But I'm getting over that. I do have two guys that I am very interested in. One of them frustrates me and I'm not exactly sure what to think about him. The other... is absolutely amazing,  but would never be interested in a relationship with me.. The second guy makes it easier to handle me anxiety and depression. A which has been very bad lately...  He makes me forget everything going on with my exs and my family. He supports me in ways most people don't... and he lives over 1000 miles away from me! But still.. I feel so worthless, unlovable, pathetic and like a waste of space... The world would be better off if I were dead.... So what's stopping me? If i would do it away from home and know it'd work, I'd do it in a heartbeat... I don't want to be alive anymore... I'm just waiting for the right time to do it... As soon as I get the chance.. I'm gone... I'm too weak.. can't do this anymore... Even planning on starting on my suicide letters... Ready for it all to be over...