Falling apart from the inside.

It is going on 11 months as of the 3rd of November, since I lost my dear Paul. But it still doesn't seem to be getting any easier. If anything, the longer it is from losing Paul, the worse I seem be. I feel as though I am getting no where in my journey.
I just can't seem to stop feeling really shaky, very scared, alone, lost and a number of other ways, I keep telling myself "Karen, just stop feeling this way", but I can't seem to. It maybe the reason why my chest hurts at times, because of the way I feel.
I work real hard on hiding my true emotions from everyone. Sarah(my daughter), is always asking me, "mom, are you sure you are ok?" of course I tell her yes, even though I'm not.
I just wish, I knew what to do, to stop all this pain.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I wish I had some wise words for you that would make a real difference in your life. But all I can say is I understand your pain only too well and wish you peace and comfort as you get closer to one year.
Hugs, Gail
deleted_user
deleted_user

I wish I had some wise words for you that would make a real difference in your life. But all I can say is I understand your pain only too well and wish you peace and comfort as you get closer to one year.
Hugs, Gail
deleted_user
deleted_user

I wish I had some wise words for you that would make a real difference in your life. But all I can say is I understand your pain only too well and wish you peace and comfort as you get closer to one year.
Hugs, Gail
deleted_user
deleted_user

I know where you are coming from. I feel this way alot this month I guess we have to take 1 day at a time and even 1 moment at a time t get through this Grief I have been told is real and comes in ebbs and flow. Grief is a journey and it has it ups and down and sometimes it seems more downs than ups. We all put on a happy face and smile and say everything is going ok just to make others feel good Lately when I am asked how I am doing I tell them exactly how I feel and what I am thinking good or bad. I have ad a varity of responses some listen and some just look away Sometimes it makes them feel uncomfortable. But if they didn\'t ask me how was I feeling and how things going why should I lie I speak the truth. They asked so I tell them what is exactly on my mind. I even smile while I say it. I am going throught the grief and not them Death is a horrible part of life and we can\'t avoid as those of us who have lossed a spouse the other half of our complete self. It is absolutely horrible in my book
That is why sometimes I just want to stay home and not be with anyone because my grief makes them feel uncomfortable and as though I shouldn\'t tell them what I feel We are going though reality of losing a spouse and not them. They say to lean on them when we are in need and talk to them when we need to talk but they sometimes don\'t want to hear what we have to say We are supposed to be over it and move on and not mention it again and I guess forgot about the death of our loved one.
this is why this is a wonderful place to come to and talk to others who are in our shoes. We are willing to listen and support one another We are in the same boat.
God Bless you and hugs to you all keep in touch
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

I have felt the way you describe and I know it\'s not pleasant. Try taking deep breath\'s in the nose and out the mouth. Kind of like when you were in labor. It really can help quiet the nerves. The only other suggestion is do you enjoy any thing special. I spend time reading and it distracts me. I know it feels like it will never get better, but we do adjust and it improves. Wishing you peace and a big hug. Sharon
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

I have felt the way you describe and I know it\'s not pleasant. Try taking deep breath\'s in the nose and out the mouth. Kind of like when you were in labor. It really can help quiet the nerves. The only other suggestion is do you enjoy any thing special. I spend time reading and it distracts me. I know it feels like it will never get better, but we do adjust and it improves. Wishing you peace and a big hug. Sharon
LSMS
LSMS

Dear Karen, We sadly share something that is incomprehensible. I only recently lost my husband, so I am trying desperately to figure this all out too. I am saddened to hear that you are suffering so much at this time. I am concerned that I may feel the same way in 11 months or even 11 years from now. I understand your thinking about not letting people know how you are truly feeling. I worry that people want to hear that I am okay and getting on with my life.... I am trying, but it is not easy. I also don\'t want my sons or friends to worry about me so much...but it may be better if I open up and let those who ask how I am feeling really know the truth. Perhaps by openly acknowledging my pain, I will be able to deal with it better. I need to trust my family and friends....they have been so loving and, I think they will continue to be that way. I am truly sorry you are hurting so much. I pray that you will find Peace in your life. Love, Linda
loveandgrace
loveandgrace

Hi Karen,
I\'m so sorry you feel the way you do. I can remember a point when I felt so scared and vulnerable, but luckily it seems to have passed. Have you thought of writing down all the things you are scared of instead of simply telling yourself not to feel that way? Or perhaps talking with a grief counselor? That has helped me a lot. The leader or members of your grief group may know someone good. The month leading up to the first anniversary of our beloved\'s death is very difficult. It\'s like losing them all over again. I would urge you not to keep your feelings all bottled up. You can tell your children how you feel without going into great detail. They want to know; they know already! They want to be there for you, and for you to be open to them, not remote. I\'m sending you a big hug, Amy
deleted_user
deleted_user

All of us who have lost our soul mate feels this way. It has been almost 5 years for me and it will get bearable. Don\'t tell yourself to stop feeling - what you are feeling is normal. My prayers are with you.
KipB
KipB

It is so hard at times. I\'m coming up on 15 months and still have very hard days. Hang in there. Hugs, Kip.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It so hard when you lose your soul mate. I try to smile and act positive but, inside, most of the time I feel like I am silently screaming. It will get easier and it will get better......but who knows when. Come here and vent......we all understand. It\'s normal but a very hard sad part of the process.
Hugs, Dianne
deleted_user
deleted_user

Coming up on a year in Dec..........some days are good, some not so good , and some downright awful....................I try to keep in mind that another day will be better.....kind of like that today.beautiful fall colors..........we would be out somewhere together..........and I\"m sitting inside, not wanting to do a thing......maybe tomorrow................
L
deleted_user
deleted_user

These feelings are so unpredictable and this journey of grief is very difficult. Keeping busy has helped me because when I have nothing to do, I seem so aware of my profound sadness. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Hang in there...we all understand and are wishing you peace. Hugs, Nancy
deleted_user
deleted_user

karen.,
i hope that you have an outlet for these feelings,such as a gried group or counselor. i know that my grief therapist has helped so much in putting my thoughts and feelings in some kind of order.
my thoughts are with you
judi