falling apart
Just laying on the couch looking at the TV just trying to distract myself from the storm of emotions Ive been dealing with. Wasting my day off doing nothing. I have no energy, no ambition. Do I want to talk to someone or just be left alone….cant tell. I have a good support system, a loving family and at least one or two friends but I can't talk to them. They just don't understand. I feel so alienated from them. One of the reasons I feel so alone in this world. DS has been very helpful because people here understand what its like to want to harm yourself or what its like to slip into the pit of depression, etc. Honestly, it also helps me get my mind off some of my destructive thoughts. Ive been thinking about my suicide attempts lately. I don't know why, probably because of the way I feel I suppose. I don't feel suicidal. Ive resisted cutting and I continue to fight back the urges. It gets harder day by day. Im so pessimistic right now. Its so hard to see how this will get any better but then again it has in the past so it may again. What toll will the darkness demand of me this time around? My stress level is very high right now. Ive been losing sleep worrying about things. Im falling apart.
Replies
Oh Pagan I hate that feeling of falling apart.. is there anything you can \"hold\" onto? be is your therapist... a family member.. or DS? just a fingertip will do.... just so you don\'t feel as if you are completely losing yourself?
well done on fighting the urges Pagan.... they are getting stronger and stronger yet you are getting stronger and stronger too in fighting them... I know the pull they actually have... but you have said it yourself... it has gotten better in the past and there is no reason to believe it will not again... but it is at what cost......... reach out to us if you can.... we are here to help if we can... we are that lifejacket that is there if you need it as much as we can be xx
Thanks Ruby. My therapist is helping me a lot but I don\'t have another appointment with her until after the holiday and DS has been very helpful. Everyone I talk too has been very supportive and offered words of encouragement. Most times when I feel this way I withdraw from the world and don\'t talk to anyone but so far I haven\'t done that so thats good. I will continue to reach out as best I can.
I hear you about having a loving family and friends who you don\'t want to burden with your negative feelings or they wont understand. Sometimes laying on the couch with the TV is the best therapy when you have no energy to allow your body and mind to rest. Other times its good to force yourself to do some exercise to get the energy flowing. I\'m glad you have decided that your therapist is helping a lot, often it is incredibly helpful just to be able to talk to someone and release the pain to a person who accepts and understands. Glad you haven\'t withdrawn from the world into your own private hell of your thoughts. Glad also you have resisted the urge to cut. Does writing down privately all your storm of feelings help release them from going over and over in your mind? It helps me to get it out but everyone is different. I know the storms of emotion and how hard it makes it to relate normally to people. Makes you feel very alone and isolated. Glad you are not suicidal. Keep reaching out to DS and let people support you and hopefully you will be through this downer soon.