What the hell happened? Seriously. These past six weeks have been a roller coaster, but tonight, it finally jumped the tracks. I have been sad, and hurt, and happy, and hopeful, but now i've just run out of steam. My 6-week check up is looming. I have to go in Thursday to that office full of pregnant people, and sit in those same chairs but now with a completely different purpose. Not to mention that I have to have an ultrasound to check out a stupid cist where I'm looking at a monitor with no baby. Torture me a little more please! My husband's sister was my OB/GYN. I should be lucky huh? Top notch care, extra ultrasound pics, saving money, sounds wonderful doesn't it? Well, that was the plan. I had a pain in my side that I asked her about one night at dinner, and she just looked at me and told me that most pregnant women feel that pain on their right side below their rib. She told me that it was just the baby pushing and my body stretching. Some days, however, it was unbearable. So I asked again, and asked other docotrs. Finally, one of them actually put their hands on me and felt the sore spot and asked more questions. They sent me to get ultrasounds of organs finally, but the tests showed nothing. Now, the pain is still there, with no baby to cause it. Either way, I felt like I had a problem that I knew was off and I was competely ignored. Then, after all of this happened, I started doing research. I found out about kick counts and keeping journals of movement so that you would know if things changed or slowed. I felt like this could have been said to me a hundred times. It was my first baby, and now I just feel like I was so naive. There was so much she could have taught me and shared with me, regardless of whether or not it would have changed things. So now, my husband brings up whether or not to go back to the same practice and use his sister. She was amazing in the delivery room, but other than that was completely unconcerned with us. That brings me to where I am at tongiht. For starters, I just had a horrible, horrible day. But tonight, when I turned to my amazing saint husband for guidance, he just pushed back. I was hurt and frustrated and angry about so much tonight, and usually he talks me through it. but tonight, he just didn't want to hear it. It's like he is on such a different page with his grief. He just kept telling me to think good thoughts, that he does that and the pain just goes away. The more I told him that I was just struggling with that, the more frustrated he got. Its just like he completely forgot what it felt like to be hopeless and afraid. He told me I wasn't ready to TTC again, and I was crushed. What has happened to him? I would cry, he would hold me. I would open up about all of my doubts and fear, and he would console me. Now it's as if he is just done with it. Theres no more fight in either of us left right now, and that just scares me out of my mind. I am not a quitter, I am a fighter, but I need him to help me get through this. What should I do? We are on two completely different levels. Should I back off and just not be so needy? Should I keep pushing and try to make him understand? I just don't know where in the world tonight came from. Other than the nights at the hospital, and the first few nights at home, this is absolutely the worst that I have felt in six weeks. I just don't understand. There have been times where I have gone a little backwards in my healing, but this just feels like someone tied one end of a rope to me and the other end to a running horse thats just dragging me along, and I can't stop it, when I'm supposed to be able to ride the horse. Its so funny, this journal entry is just not conveying the hurt and pain I feel right now. I almost feel like it sounds whiny for some reason. I have so much to be blessed with. I have a wonderful family and home, my three dogs are wonderful, I still have a job that is patient with me and helping me pay bills. I am healthy, as far as I know. I just want to be strong for my husband, strong for my future kids, even strong for the women on here. I always turn to others for advice, I wish I was as good at giving it. I just feel like I have screwed up his hope for kids. We were both so excited about trying again next month, and now he's not even sure if i'm ready or even if he's ready. How could I have been so selfish to diminsh that hope in him in any way? I am just scared to death to get up in the morning and deal with this. I feel like I just want to cower away for days unil all remnants of this night have just faded from my memory as well as his. I'm hoping that things aren't as disastrous as I feel like they are right now. Oh well, I could just ramble on and on, so I guess I'll stop now. Hopefully today is a new day.