Fall from grace
This morning, I'm fumbled out of bed and made it to the monastery parking lot in time (645a) to travel to a small church where the bishop would serve Sunday Services, roughly half an hour away.
i felt completely messed up and tired during service. I tried not to fall asleep...time and again...nodding here and there.. holding my head in my hands thinking and boggling how am I going to make it through??!!
A lingering thought, after all that, after service ended and after going to coffee with the bishop and then later visiting a female monastery, where we had more coffee and water, was I don't know how I am going to do 'this.'?!
This being the life of an alacritous energetic priest. After all I am 58 years old. Learning Greek and Theology are a lot to imagine and estimate. My mind was warping today, with fatigue and dysfunction and when people asked me questions all I could do was mumble this or that barely audible. It is HOT here and jet lag and dehydration are messing with me, along with my craziness.
I finally came back to my temporary apartment here and went to sleep in the afternoon. Or tried to. I did something stupid and just felt a fall from grace. That awakened in me an understanding for why people like the saints. They're people to confide in when you feel you have lost that sense of grace in yourself.
Someone consoling to reach out to perhaps ? I may understand this but quite honestly my passion for that is replaced by the thought that I can't expect myself to live in a vision. I can't expect myself to live in a vision, vibe or an image. I can see the sense of humor of it all in my humanity and thankfully laughing at myself helps too.
i am a flawed human being and yet i know i can take care of myself. There may not be some great purpose or again image to my life but i can love my friends and family and myself. I can comfort people along the path of life when disappointing stuff happens both with ourselves or with others or with our goals. I feel like this fall from grace thing is just helping me see myself and the crazy exacting stuff we all face sometimes which are all an illusion of standards. The kind that are unhealthy and don't feel good, though you think, and we're as a society lead to believe, they would.
Anyways, I bought some cheese a some rose wine from the market. I'm relaxing before vespers. Have a great day everyone!! xx
Replies
I'm so glad that you recognize you're human sweetie and embrace your sense of humour
I hope that you got to have a nice nap
This time tomorrow it will all be over...Deep breaths
People aren't there to judge you at all today sweetie
They are there to celebrate you because they recognize what a great person you are
Big squishy hug...xo
Yes, you are a great comfort to people. You are doing an amazing job there managing the physical and mental stressors. So glad you practiced some relaxing self-care. You got this! Big hugs!
I think we all have days when nothing seems to go the way we thought it would.
I played in church this morning and was really happy with the song we were supposed to do. I had practiced it many times and knew it well. But as you probably know, things don't always go according to plan.
About one minute before I ent on stage, the song was changed. I wasn't ready to play it and I made several mistakes, but somehow I made it to the end of the song.
And reading your journal, I thought about something: you made it to the end of your day too.
Maybe what feels like a fall from grace sometimes isn't really a fall at all. Maybe it's just one of those moments when we're reminded that we're human, and that we don't have to do everything perfectly for the day to have been worthwhile.
I made it to the end of my song. You made it to the end of your day.
I'd say we both succeeded.
Keep on keeping on, Mark.
Thank you so much Jan, Susan and Bob! You three are priceless!!! Xxxxooooo