Faith
I totally unraveled this morning
and nearly was afraid,and 'too standoffish,' to
do anything
I put myself 'in check' though
and I am just praying for a good day.
thinking about what my doctor said about an evenness
and our job to not go too far up or down with the ebb
and flow of moods that happen during the day
and I will seriously aim for that -
here I go down to chapel....
I went down to chapel - and I felt like such a simpleton -
I tried not to buy into the idea that I was lowly and unworthy and dumb
and I asked Christ for strength as I felt so weak -
I helped the priest out with something at the end of service and he gave me
a wonderful hug - :-)
I went to trapeza after church and then while
at the table- I kind of was haunted again by the idea that I was
weak- and very base and I just thought about things - and inspiration
came - I realized I was kind of putting my stamp on things going
on around the table (judgements and validations) I was grasping it seems -
I thought about my parents and how they were handling their foibles
and having to accept them for themselves
as well but still i felt as though I was drowning in my baseness -
I did some self talk and I just encouraged myself by saying
appreciations that I am a nice person -
and I realized I can be considerate of things past the power that I was
displaying at that time (of judgements and validations i mentioned ) - and that gave me
peace - I felt love and consideration beyond the power -
so I am back here in my room now with Blue -
and waiting for the family zoom call -
it's such a lovely place here - everyone is relaxed
and happy and feeling safe to be themselves.
it's really nice. Vibrant and multicultural too -
So many nationalities. My faith is helping me cope with my flaws and offer my service and outreach to others.
The troubling feelings in part it feels unique to today, in another sense this kind of thing ‘happens’
I guess each day can be similar but is also like no other.
Have a wonderful Sunday!!
Sending ❤️!!
Replies
perhaps my most inspirational bible verse is in 2 corinthians. my willful independence is my healing bane and it was far easier for me to deal out black eyes than to open myself to others, even when help was readily available.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
the logic seems to be taking. here in my golden years, my decreasing physical strength feels like my truest strength.
Thanks Arfie!
I'm definitely noticing my role in keeping aware of
those big swings. Things are good -- I get to choose.
I also have been noticing how the monastery is
kind of taking over my life -
It's like when I worked at CORPORATE - I spent so many many
hours there - and I used to occasionally stare out the window
and think 'people were really living out there.' I felt no options.
That being said - I guess each place you work will have a 'company culture'
and I know I live where I work now - and I have to say I love the peacefulness
and coziness of this life when I am back in my room -
I know it's up to me to choose to organize my life for more things
to do in it - my choice - I deserve it - and it's on me to get it going -
but I do have to say I love the hermitage quality of this place
and I do love being an essential part of society - a priest/monk- like
a fireman - like a doctor - like a teacher. - like a nurse
I like the monastery - I just don't like my job so much -
it's time for a project - and I can't let the momentary blips derail
me -
Sending hugs, Marko. I can’t formulate a good response because i am just tired and depleted tonight, but wanted to let you know I read and listened.
hm-m-m-m. . .
seems to me that when you were packing buns in cali and dreaming of monastery life, being absorbed into an insular culture was the dream; that letting the monastery take over your life was the very goal. back in that former life, your outside job was a much bigger slice of your life.
i'm not quite sure how, but your current transition has me reminded of when i left my construction career to take charge of out-of-control adolescents. 1995. the big shock in the transition was the 24/7 nature of domestic service. when i worked outside jobs, i performed my service and left it (mostly) behind to participate in a radically different set of circumstances. there was far, far less variety to the domestic service gig. i didn't get to claim union rights when one of my "bosses" started vomiting at 3 a.m. my work-a-holic conditioning from the work-a-day world had me pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and/or neurotic obsession. other people's problems became the center of my universe.
dunno what the point of that ramble is. pro'lly just another brain fart from the twisted colon between my ears.
and a hearty AMEN to the noble effort to not let the momentary blips derail. my own momentary blips have become thoroughly entertaining since i quit taking them so seriously.
Thanks so much Nikki and Arfie!
If the blips can become amusing that would a good thing! :-)
it is a VERY good thing when the blips become compassionately humorous, markus. i sometimes wonder if that gentle compassiom could be the very definition of forgiveness and healing. pass the popcorn. . .
Thanks !!
You really rock Arfie!