[failure to grow up]

i feel so fake sometimes. i feel so lost. i can never seem to find anyone who truly understands. but the truth is, i don't want to go looking. i don't want anyone in my life.  i hate having to face life, to make decisions, to GROW UP. i'm F-ing 30 years old, and i don't want to grow up. i just keep floating, waiting for someone to tell me "it's okay, you don't have to do a g-d- thing, don't lift a finger, it's all taken care of." and like, i'm just waiting for that, and i know i'm never going to get that, but i keep waiting. so i'm stuck. am i a spoiled brat? it's almost like i refuse to grow up. what the F am i afraid of? what is going to happen if i just GET UP!?! i don't want to achieve. i want to fail. i feel comfortable in failure. i feel like home in failure. is it like, should i say, the only thing i'm good at is failing. i'm a perfectionist who doesn't try.
 
i feel safe in failing. Failure welcomes me. Failure surrounds me. Failure is all i have.