Failed attempt!
Well we tried again and failed. It is getting close to 6 months since we lost Hunter-11/11/2011. After having to go through surgery to have a retained placenta removed because I was becoming infected after bleeding almost for 3 months. Got my first normal period on 2/11 and my second on 3/11 and we were ready to try again with IVF. My insurance pays for 2 cycles, so this was our last chance. I went through all the shots again and went in for egg extraction on 4/11. Not knowing that Hunters headstone got placed on the same day 4/11 (So many 11ths thought it was a sign from the little guy that he was ok and that it was time to try again)...They extracted 8 eggs, 6 were mature, 5 fertilized correctly and made it to 3 days, and than 3 made it to 5 days. My egg transfer would take place on day 5...My husband and I decided we would put all 3 eggs back in and hope that at least one would stick and if we had triplets well than how lucky would we be..My pregnancy test was on Friday 4/27..I think I knew from the very beginning it wasn't going to work. I don't know why just knew. My husband decided that he would stay home from work, because although in the back of my mind I already knew what the call was going be "Sorry your test was negative" I knew that I would be completely heartbroken and I was! Out of 3 eggs NOT one took. Just can't believe it...When we conceived Hunter I went through IUI and he was less than a 5% chance occuring on the first attempt. This procedure the odds were much more in our favor and NOTHING! But things are different now...They will always be different. I have lost a baby and I could never endure that pain again, so I think we made a bad decision to try again so fast. I think I thought maybe it would dull my pain, I know that my husband was ready to try again, and with my dad being told he only has 6 mths to a year thought I would give him something to hold onto. But...I just don't think that I was ready. I have said multiple times that if I loss another baby I will not make it out on the other side of grief process and that my husband would bury us both. Was GOD looking out for me? Should we have waited? Now the insurance doesn't pay for any more cycles and if we don't get pregnant on our own than we are faced with the reality that the dream my husband and I have of being parents will forever lost. We are older, so the time table is clicking away and it feels like it is just echoing in my brain all the time "You are running out of time" We have looked into adoption, however good gosh I can't believe how expensive it is to adopted a child in need. I feel like I am just being beat in the head over and over and over again. I just want to open up my eyes and find that this has been all a horrible nightmare...But it isn't and I am on this horrible never ending ride. I just wait daily to find the exit sign because I want to get off of this terrible ride! I am so sad I just don't know how life will ever be better. I feel like it is all my fault! My blood disorder caused the placental abruption that caused the loss of Hunter(Even though I didn't know about the blood disorder) my body was responsible and now it is again responsible for not taking this time. I hardly ever sleep anymore, because my brain just doesn't shut down ever. I feel like I am absolutely losing my mind! I don't like feeling this way. I look at pictures of me before the loss of Hunter and I was so happy. Now that happiness has been stripped away and I have NO idea how to get it back. Everyday I am just so sad..Good gosh why did this have to happen?
Replies
I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I\'m sorry. I\'m still routing for you. I will not give up...I know the feeling you are having of feeling like you are running out of time. But you are not, you have plenty of time try to (you will hate to hear this) give yourself time and patience. 6 months was one of my worst times. I didn \'t think I would make it. I am now 15 months into this journey and believe me many times I have wanted off this darn ride. Your body and mind have to be ready and it is hard to stay or get pregnant when you are not sleeping. I continue to struggle with sleep myself. I have had many surgeries, 3 D & C\'s, an Ectopic/ Miscarriage and found that I had a uteran septum (wall running down the middle of my uterus) which probably caused our daughter\'s death removed in the last 15 months. You get tired and emotionally drained and it is terrible to think that your body was at fault. But remember that you will find a way to forgive your body because you know like I know that we can not control how our bodies are made. All we can do is learn and try again from what has happened. Hunter is with you everyday I believe this and you will make it through this bad time. The ride does get better. But allow yourself to cry and feel the anger and keep writing your journals even if you don\'t share them with us. It has helped me tremendously. I\'m always here if you need to talk just message. Hugs and prayers. I\'m asking Lauren to watch out for you. Love, Lindsay
I\'m sorry. Don\'t give up! Your loss was very recent. I agree with Lindsay when she says wanting off of this ride and body and mind being in sync. I think the best time to make a baby is when you and hubby are completely calm and not really thinking about it.
Hunter and all of his angel buddies are watching out for you. When the time is right, he will pick out his brother and/or sister and send them to you when the time is right. There are orgs who help pay for IVF procedures. Let your fingers do the walking and find the funding.
Hugs, Love & Rainbows,
Nneka
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. Sometimes I just feel completely overwhelmed and have no idea how I am going to get through this..I think right now I just have to get back to loving my husband and not being consumed with thoughts of another baby. Just feel like I am not trying again for any of the right reasons..Feel like it is to try to dull the pain of losing Hunter and also to meet the expectations of everyone else. I think I am trying to convince myself that I am better and I am just not..I am not ready to try again and suppose I just have to be ok with where I am at. Thank you for your continued support.
I\'m so sorry you are going through this and it didn\'t take this time. I think that you will know when the time is right to start trying again. I do hope that you will find a way to get some help with funding this procedure. All is not lost. You are still young enough to have that rainbow baby. We all start feeling that pressure but you can\'t give up. I also decided that I would take a break from trying until I am emotionally healed more. I feel like I just need more time, even though I also feel that pressure about my age. We just have to stay positive that it will happen when the time is right. Big hugs, Carol