Fading to Dark

Things are beginning to crash again. I don't know what to do I don't feel like I can talk to my parents because I think that it is going to be seen as me bitching about my feelings. I have no friends and the friends that I did have don't talk to me. I isolate myself from almost everyone that I could come close to. I am so confused, what do I do? I am seeing help from both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I am on some of the best medications and I am being monitored by some of the best doctors in the entire Denver area. I am scared that  I am going to do something that may harm myself. I think over and over about trying to drive in to opposite traffic and killing my self or putting myself in the hospital in a coma or even simple death. I know what this will do to my parents and family, however, again they don't know what I am going through... How unhappy I recently. I don't want to live anymore I don't want to live the life of an anxious and depressed mess. I cant sleep anymore although I am taking 800mg of Seroquel... it's just simply not working for sleep anymore. I want a sleeping aid but my doctors are not getting the hint. I think that I am going to go to a third party doctor and not tell her everything so I can simply get a sleeping aid. I am tired and depressed all the time I don't know what to do. My psychiatrist tells me to work on my cognitive skills but I have already been there. I don't want to go back to Porter that was a horrible place and horrible experience. the outpatient program actually made me toxic on depicote and I have to spend 72 hours in the hospital. I am tired of complaining, I am tired of talking, I am tired of being anxious and I am tired of people walking on egg shells around me because I am crazy. I am so depressed that my body aches and hurts. I want all of this to stop. This is not me but I know that the illness is not going to simply go away now that it's here. When I a m not so depressed I journal in my journal... when I am falling hard I came here. I think that it is because the people are responsive and can give me advice as to how to deal with what I am going through since I know that some of you are going though exactly the same thing. I hope to hear for some of you regarding the issues that I am facing. I don't mind medications (even though I am taking 8 different already) I want something that works. Give me some suggestions... I will write later.