facts. worries. letting it out.

I went to the doc on Tuesday of this week. 

I have a sinus infection, the gums around the bad tooth are also very swollen, the pain in that area has receded.......I am going to another dentist on Monday at noon, for an xray/a consultation and perhaps have that tooth pulled. 

It's been a rocky road.  My dentist wanted me to see a specialist, but the cost was prohibitive.  Not sure what I've already shared......so please bear with me.   A friend recommended a dental plan, it's not insurance, but rather a discount plan.  It costs $100 annually.......and knocks the prices down to size.  Hopefully a much more maneageble size.  With the discount plan on my side I went to see a dentist nearby for a consultation and also because he does extractions, where my longtime dentist doesn't.  So I go to see this dentist, the paperwork alone was insane.  It was ten or twelve pages......jeez a lou.  Then I sit in the chair waiting a long time.  Why do we make appointments? Why do they pretend they will see us in a timely manner and if a delay is happening, why don't they have someone on staff let us know something? 

moving on, venting can wait.........so the new dentist says the tooth causing you pain is not the issue.  he says there is no need to pull this crowned tooth, even though my dentist believes it to be a fracture up in the root. nay nay says this dentist.  he says it is the premolar in front of (or closer to the front teeth).  that this premolar needs a root canal.  then a crown.  i am not unfamiliar with referred pain......that's not the right word is it........i mean pain in the area but not always exactly where you think it should be based on the injury or infection. 

.......this makes no sense to me, because i feel actual pain upon chewing with the BAD TOOTH that has been a problem for awhile now, the tooth he wants to perform a root canal on has no pain, doesn't wiggle even a tiny bit, appears to be fine/healthy/not an issue.  and this is also what my longtime dentist believes too.......but with this info in hand, i leave and call my dentist from the car.  i am bummed/upset.......and on the way to get more antibiotics.  judith, the hygienist asks if i can come to see them asap, as in right that minute. so off i go.....they do another x-ray, see even more bone loss about the tooth i feel pain in..........and the area above this premolar looks fine/healthy.........they absolutely believe that they have correctly diagnosed the issue.  i am glad for their concern.......of course take the antiB's the newest dentist prescribed......and they give me a very crappy ten days.  my tummy is so unhappy........i am now a stock owner in toilet paper......sigh, tmi for real but sheez.......you tell the dentist you have tummy issues and i honestly wondered if he hated me onsite to give me this particular antiB.

more time goes by, that is when i reported to y'all that i prayed for total healing of this tooth issue.  not my usual MO, i typically accept things medically at this point in my life.  work it out, the best course of action, what is reasonable, what is an energy stealer and so forth.  not saying i give up and just play dead, that's not it........but after having so many health issues over the course of these many years i don't ask for total healing.  and yet on that day i did........i went for it. 

the inflammation went down, the tenderness stopped.......i had a really nice break and then whoop de doo it was back enforce.  sooooo since i can't afford the mega pricey dentist, at $140 for a consultation, and $385 for an extraction......i am hopeful that this new dentist on monday will give me a strong sense of how to proceed, that the cost won't be too crazy.  the receptionist told me a simple extraction is $70, the visit $18, the xray $13, but she wouldn't share what a  complicated extraction costs.......

we chatted here and there along the way as she filled out stuff in advance for the monday visit.......and shared info about her 70 year old dad......driving challenges, health challenges, memory issues.........and i offered to pray for her Dad.........she offered to pray for me as well.  what a thoughtful girl she is.......

now away from that.  my doc has ordered me to get that colonoscopy, get a mammogram and to get an MRI.  he thinks i am suffering with stenosis.......based on the pain in my left foot, leg and lower back. they already ruled out another DVT......the morning after my appointment they called early, at like 8 am to begin scheduling stuff.  not good, see i made egg salad sandwiches to the tune of two loaves of french bread......sliced up fresh roma toms and a big mound of celery sticks.  lately at the owls meeting they haven't had enough real food and way too much on the dessert side so i went old school with good old egg salad.  i shredded the eggs instead of chopping them cause i personally find it easier to eat egg salad that way.  chopped eggs tend to goosh out the sides and land on me......me lap, me shirt, me floor........and it's really quick too.  anyhoooooo........

i really wanted to go to the luncheon........so at this point on tuesday evening i am whipped.  i've done alot and i need to shut it all down.  the sammy factory and get to bed.  talk my brain off the ceiling cause going to the doc, alternating worry with the argument in my head NOT TO WORRY about having these tests........and all the slicing and dicing wore me out .......so now I am suffering with that terrible tired wired thing.  i know it will be hard to rest.

but i still sit down at my computer because i see i have a text message.  i text via my keyboard, not via cell phone......sam found a free program for me a long time ago and it's so easy to text via the BIG KEYBOARD and as i am almost always here it's doubly easy.  so i check the message.......my sister in iowa wants to know if i have heard from our sister carol.  i have not.....she then sends me a picture of a text message from our niece in arizona......that her mom was no longer in an apt, that she went to a shelter with two shopping carts, that she hadn't had anything to eat in days except for some soda crackers..........

i can feel my stomach lurch and my head sway.  and so i pray.  donna tried to reach carol but the voice mail reported that it was full.  ......then later she got a message from carol.....missed her live, but the voicemail said she was in a shelter.....that we was ok.  it's so hard to know what is true and what is going on with Carol because she is a very confused and sometimes sly girl. not trying to be mean here, but my sister has pulled a lot of stunts over the years.  i recently tried to move heaven and earth to get her into a program, you may remember that very day she was robbed of pretty much all the money in her account.  i then tried to get the difference she needed, enlisted the help of a sister and a brother......ran into a lot of brick walls and finally gave up and talked to her case worker.  case worker steven said he would explain the issues to Carol directly, that it sounded like i just needed to go to bed.  i was so frazzled and upset that i couldn't make things happen in an easy direct way.......and i was flaring.  it was a really bad few days. so i get messages from my sister.  the kind that completely fill up the message space.......she is ugly, loud, angry and making fun of me for not being able to do such a simple thing to help her.  that i am lazy, that i must be stupid.......and it got worse from there.  it broke my spirit and underneath lay a very angry big sister.....yup,l me.  her caseworker has told me that she while she has some serious issues with TBI, with being bipolar, but my sister also seems to lack honesty and character at times.  she can be very sweet and then turn into a dangerous viper.  her daughter tremulously reached out to her mom and my sister carol told her to go F--- herself, that she didn't have a daughter.  jamie fell to pieces.  it's very hard dealing with my sister.......the actions of my sister with her problems medically are one thing, but when you add in her serious mean streak, her uncaring attitude......the way she jeers and sneers and says such heinous things..........it's beyond the TBI, its beyond her mental illness........i often think that she is a very hard edged narcissist.  that if you are flattering her she is with you all the way, if you call her on anything she flips the bird, gets ugly ......or she sobs.  i get that she doesn't have very good coping skills and for the past 5 years i've been the only sibling that would deal with her, not just sibling, family member.  she has burned everyone who has tried to help her, makes terrible decisions and then blames any and everyone save herself.  i grew up with a bipolar mom, so i am not unfamiliar with mental illness and while each person is different, i really think my sister is manipulative........while it may not be all her fault, it is still about accountability.  this may not be easy for others to understand .......i am not a hard nosed girl.......in this instance i am ...i have been becoming much more careful.  distancing myself........when she moved in with a couple because she thought the guy was romancing her......and then got angry when he told her they were swingers and wanted her to be a swinger too...........see most of us would not meet a couple in a fast food restaurant and then pack our belongings to move in with them by day three.........

but nobody can tell her a thing........we can try, but she doesn't listen.  she bounces from one mess, one chaotic hellatious choice after another.......and if anyone tries to steer her into a safe harbor she will reel around and damn you to hell.  this is not easy to take. so i turned to her case manager more and more.......told him the shortest version of the problems and we made a plan. 

not that it really seems to help.......if she is in fact at a shelter. .......well on this day as i am trying to settle down i note that it's 11 pm......when the phone rings.  its donna in iowa.  she has a lot to say about carol     ..........and a lot to say about another family matter.......so there we are on the phone late.  and it gets later and later.  i am so engaged in our conversation, and it hits me like a rush of adrenalin on top of my already over revved up self.......i don't realize how late it is.  it's very very late......it 2 pm.

i go to bed.........she has promised to call the case worker this time, i had to ask her several times to do this.  her basic thought is that if i can't bring her in line so to speak then she  won't be able to.......that after all i've done to try and help carol that she frankly isn't sure that she wants to get too close to this situation.  i am frustrated because i think she needs to take a turn at bat.......that she needs to break the ice with this case manager, fill him in on the latest stuff........she promised she would.......but she hasn't sent me any info.  normally she would talk to him and then send me an email or a text or something to bring  me in the loop.  my sister is off work because she had surgery on her shoulder.  the second time around to try and fix her badly damaged rotator cuff.........she has been healing for 8 weeks at this point. things are going well with her PT........and i think she could share the load regarding our sister.  all the stress dealing with carol has robbed me of a lot of life joy.......it's a lot to put on any one person.  her daughter says she can't get involved.  she said the judge told her she could risk losing her children if she gets involved with our sister, her very own momma again..  when i say carol has wreaked havoc i am sooo not kidding. i try to paint as positive a picture as i can, but because of her shenanigans her son won't have anything to do with her.  her other daughter stopped having contact with her several years ago.  she just couldn't take it any more.  carol wears everyone out........she burns bridges and it's just so very hard. 

and then i bow my head, feel shame.......i want her to be safe.  i want her to be protected.  she won't allow anyone to help her, she says she will, she promises to do this or that.......but then she follows the path of anyone playing a dangerous tune within earshot.  she scares me to death.........her case worker asked me why her own family is so distanced from her, why they are so unwilling to help her.........and so we had a very long very frank discussion.  i know he wanted me to become her guardian as well as that other thing.  you know where i would be in charge of her money as well.......they won't allow me to do it with say sam's help for example.......and i can't ask him to do this for her.  i just can't put it all on him......can't and won't. 

the honest hard answer is that i took her in more than once and it took a severe toll on my marriage to sam and sara's dad.........did a lot of damage.  it was so awful......led to my sister and i not speaking for two years.......my other sister making snide little jokes about my attitude about what had happened. our dad wanting me to adopt her children.......which if i could have i would have......but carol took off with the girls when she got wind of that.........met a man, got pregnant, got married and found at after their whirlwind courtship that he was a sexual predator.  he sexually abused her two little girls.  .........i don't want her in some awful state institution, but i wish, i pray that she could be in a place like the place my mom used to be in.  it was in the country........they had regular church services, a salon, a barber shop, a garden, animals to tend to for those who were able........lots of activities.  if my mom ened up upside down, at times she became too depressed to function at all........and had to go into the state hospital to protect her from herself......when she would come out, she would be fragile but grateful for the sun again........this place in the country was a good fit for her.  ......not perfect, but she was not up to being on her own.  they thought she was.......she had done really well for an extended period of time at this home in the country so they thought they could place her in a small apartment.  we were very worroed about her.......her mental illness had been severe for decades at this point........we were worried about her suffering a setback. 

the day before she was too move out.....start this new life she became catatonic.  she didn't speak again for a very very long two years.  ........it was a terrible time for her, for all of us who loved her. i know this is a lot to share........but it's all coming out so i am not going to stand in it's way.  i grew up with a mom who frequently tried to end her life..........and many many times she blamed her lot in life on me.  she with held her love and her affection.......not from my brothers or my sisters, but very specifically from me.  the doctor told met that my mother was very jealous of my wellness, of the way my father relied on me to cook and clean and care for my sisters............

couldn't she understand even with in her illess that i would have gladly given up all that in a nanosecond to be a kid?  to have a childhood?  to not always have so much responsibilty on my young shoulders?  i remember one day.......my mom had a terrible meltdown, she was following me from room to room railiing at me, i was trying to get my sisters off to school.......it was awful......i went to brush my hair.  i was rushing cause i had to walk and i was going to be late, again.  she had already thrown out my toast and glass of milk and was laughing about it like it was some great joke.  so now she grabbed my brush and threw it out the window of all things.  one minute she was crying for help in the most piteous way......you'd have to be a monster to not want to help someone is such great pain............

in the next minute she'd be blaming me, railing at me.....ranting and cursing me.  the social worker came, the police came......my aunt and uncle came (aunt being one of mom's sisters).....they were totally freaked out by what they witnessed.  you could see that all they wanted to do was run.........they didn't even so much as offer me a ride to school. big help they were........this aunt was my godmother and the only thing she ever did was send me two one dollar bills for my birthday ......but not after this day.  the birthday two dollar spree ended without a word from auntie.  mental illness is a tough thing on everyone.  very very tough.

not everyone is as sick as my mom.....or my sister.  there are many people that while they can be challenging at times are not unlike any one of us.......they have hurdles but with planning, timing, meds/therapy and so forth can live a really good life most of the time.......rally against the tide turning.  come out on the other side.....

my sister carol seems determined to lose everything and everyone.  ........she twists realitly in such a contorted way at times.....it's very hard to help her from here, but then again it seems to me that it's very hard for her case worker to help her from there...........i had gotten her into the best program in her area and she blew that up.  i was afraid to tell this new group exactly what had happened for fear that they wouldn't be willing to take her on........maybe that's wrong, but then again is it?  i just don't know sometimes what is best. 

i remember my sister donna saying that if carol came to live with them it would be the death knell for her marriage.........so then later i thought that must be what is truly between her and her getting involved.  she thinks if she doesn't take carol in there is no other option where she can help.  i was not recommendign that she take carol in.  i know that would not work.  my sister's best friend took carol in last year and burned out on her drama and chaos after six weeks.......her friends hubby was over it in a week......so they had to do some hard work to save their marriage.  carol goes on blithely ...seemingly failing to recognize what a hurricane she is........

i have to stop.........their is no easy answer, all one can do is do what is best and right for them. so that is my plan.  i made a note to call the agency mid next week.  see what the case worker knows.......and hopefully by then i will either have this tooth pulled or have a good plan to resolve this tooth issue in place.  the imaging center just called again to schedule the mri i need.......and wanted me in on tuesday, but if i go to the dentist on monday, if i have the tooth pulled i won't be able to manage an mri.......

but i need to have it done.  i have increased my walking a great deal and while there are many improvements because of it, there are also problems.  everytime i'm on my feet for a few hours the pain in my left foot is escruciating.  the pain on the side of the back of my knee is achy but nothing compared to that foot.  the back pain is nothing to sneeze at either.

this has been alot of serious.........and maybe i am too forthright.  i need to talk to someone, and to be perfectly honest, you guys are my community, my touchstone........i don't need all the answers, but to have a place where you can leave your thoughts, worries.......hurts and so on.....if a huge blessing.  it helps me tremendously........just to be able to "talk about it"  via journal space.  if you were able to read any or all or some of this.....i humbly thank you.......it's a whole lot of serious for TGIF.

lotta love, ruthie