Facing the onslaught

Tomorrow will be 19 years to the day since I asked the love of my life to marry me, the following day will be her birthday. Why did it all go so wrong?? I still love her but I haven't seen her for 8 months since she visited me in prison and said we were divorcing. She held my hand, though, and hugged me as she left. 

I've been out of jail for 4 weeks - loads of job applications, nothing yet, no sign of her wanting to have anything to do with me either. The police visited me yesterday and found I've again looked at porn on my device - nothing illegal but I don't want to - I've tried to stop and I've asked and asked for help.

I'm a broken wreck and would be better off dead - not suicidal that feels like running away and spreading the pain - mum is quite difficult and all I have at the moment is looking after her. She's mid 80s housebound but nothing wrong terminal with her - terribly I've found a flat I'd buy if she dies soon but not likely.