facing the night alone

it's a really gentle reality here at the monastery.

For the most part it has taught me really positive things

about myself and my life. Things positive because they

help me move forward in understanding and with a sense of power.

The gentle reality here is disrupted by some of the extreme nature

of the elder and his ownership of what everyone does.

It makes me critique him within my mind - finding fault for his logic

or fault in his ethic - wisdom - and a kind of hypocrisy or flawed. But I realize all the people

at the top can be the subject of bad feelings in so many ways.

They weild power and are in control

and the people that are under them are not and have to deal with that resentment.

So they're easy targets - and become a catch-all for knocking them.

What I have thought is that we each create a 'play pen' for ourselves

in our lives. I have my room here at the monastery. It has my things and my cat

in it - and it is my refuge to think just about anything. I listen to music - I listen

to the news and I watch MPT - maryland public television. I am finding my gentle

reality within this monastery - 

I thought about the elder and how he has created his 'playpen' in life and

he's done pretty well at that - and manages it with an autocratic but also sometimes

in a benevolent way- 

and it's pretty incredible how much power he wields - enough to support

the monastics in different countries. As I have gone into his house here for dinner

at times. He sits and directs people at his whim - calling it the 'holy spirit' moves

us to do this..etc.. That's what I really don't like - but he cares after us - 

he also provides for us and lets us live here. I am finding my gentle reality within his

playpen - and in a way finding my playpen within his superstructure.

So it really is a double edged sword.

There's no NIRVANA as my Dad says and I suppose as Bob Dylan sang "We all gotta serve somebody."

And there always will be 'a rub' in terms of that and stuff.

I am thinking about how his sending me off at no notice at all really is a breech of trust

is not so good for my mental health. If I didn't have to deal with him - I suppose this

place would be ideal. I'm questioning how to think about whether to stay or go.

There will never be a perfect. Me not being an alpha dog - and then going from place

to place - also really makes me question if I create the same rub wherever I go?

I can't run away from myself 

at the rejection of core relationships that make my cherished reality at home possible.

The elder really strikes that relationship in a way that makes you feel fear at going it

alone. I think it's intentional. It's extreme - but most of the time and everything else

has become so routine and comfortable. I feel like I could stay.