Facing Christmas Alone

Looking at the picture of Mom on my living room wall, I can't help but wish I could climb into it, and go back in time. I would give anything to go back to a time years before any mention of Parkinson's was made in regards to Mom's health. Fate dealt her a terrible hand. It was bad enough that she had just finished a long hard fight with breast cancer. Then just as she thought that her health was free of any illnesses, that's when Fate slammed the Parkinson's card down on the table ! None of us had any idea back then that it was going to be an extremely long hard fight; even worse than it was with the breast cancer. God bless her ! Mom was never a quitter ! She proved that to the extreme by fighting the progressive affects of the Parkinson's for twelve long years.

  Some might say that at least you had those years to be with her, and say goodbye, before she was finally gone. That's not entirely true. What people very easily forget is that Parkinson's affects the moods, thinking, personality, speech, behaviour.... as well as many other things that makes that person unique. Plus everything that we use in order to have a conversation with someone is severely twisted, and ultimately destroyed by the Parkinson's disease. It robs you of the person you " used to " know. It doesn't do it overnight, or as suddenly as if a person slipped into a coma, but it robs you just the same. Bit by bit the loved one you knew very slowly changes before your eyes, and nothing you do can stop it. It makes me almost wonder why they ever bothered to give Mom any medications, when they knew that the medications were not halting, or even slowing, the disease at all. Still, even if the medications she was on helped make the disease's symptoms a little bit easier for her to cope with, then it was worth it. I wish I could have done something to help her. I always felt so helpless whenever I found a way over to go visit her for awhile. Dad was amazing insisting on keeping her at home with him the whole time ! He knew she would not have wanted to end up in a nursing home. I thank God every day for Dad granting Mom's wish, even though it was a very big struggle for him.

  After Dad accomplished that terrific feat for Mom, it's a crying shame that it's looking like Dad will end up spending his last days in a assisted living / nursing home. There's ONE person in our family that could stop that from happening, and I'm positive he is very aware of the situation. Does he care ? Obviously not enough to step up, and do the right thing ! I'm talking about my brother. He's a doctor, so there's no question that he has the money that would be needed to help Dad stay in his own place, rather than " have to " move into an assisted living / nursing home. He cares much more about spending his money on luxury cars, vacations, and other toys for himself, rather than help his Dad that paid for his way through medical school ! WHAT KIND OF MAN DOES THAT ?!??

It's been ONE YEAR since we lost Mom, and he hasn't been to visit Dad even ONCE in that WHOLE YEAR !!!! .... Sure he works a lot, but SO WHAT ! ... This is his ONLY DAD, and he knows how hard it's been for Dad since Mom passed away ! Our parents had been married for 64 years ! Naturally when Mom passed away Dad drifted in a dark cloud of sadness, and deep misery, that he's been having a very hard time pulling himself up, and out of much at all. Dad's doctor put him on an anti-depressant medication, but I'm sure that Dad really needs " talk therapy " too. Dad's simply far too private a man to ever okay going to see a therapist. It's hard enough to get him to talk about his feelings to us - anyone in the family. I can't imagine him opening up to a therapist. He's 87 years old. I doubt he's going to change his mind about being a " private " man now.

I wish it was January already. There's only less than 2 weeks away now, so I suppose that's not too bad. But still I'm sure these last few days of December are going to drag by at a snail's pace. December 26 th, is the ONE YEAR date of losing my Mom. I'm not going to call it an " anniversary " because that's something that you celebrate - in my opinion. This, of course, is NOT a reason for celebration ! The only solace I get in it is that at least now Mom is not in any pain from the Parkinson's disease. At the end hospice had to give her morphine injections on a fairly regular basis to ease her pain, so she would be struggling so hard to breathe. I could tell when the hospice nurse had just given her an injection because her breathing was a lot easier - much calmer, and less ragged. I hated seeing her fight for each breath. 

I pray with everything in me that one day - hopefully in the NOT too distant future - a CURE for Parkinson's disease is discovered. It's a terrible ravaging, progressive disease. It wastes away the person until there's barely anything left. The image of my Mom in her bed before she took her last final breath, is an image I HOPE I'll be able to cleanse my mind of in the near future. It helps that I have a picture of my Mom framed, and hanging up on my living room wall. This picture was taken many years before she was even diagnosed with Parkinson's. So thankfully in the picture she has a wonderful vibrant, loving, kind, healthy, and happy look on her face. Staring at that picture helps me considerably, but I still find sometimes that I see that " other image " next to the framed image. It's something I simply can't shake out of my mind yet.

It's bad enough that this Christmas is the FIRST ONE without Mom, but I have to add to that that I'll be here at my apartment alone too. Everyone in my family is doing " their own " thing, and either didn't care enough to ask me to come along, or assumed I wouldn't want to come along without asking me first. I don't blame Dad one bit for going up to PA. to spend 2 weeks with my sister Kim. He needs the change of scenery, and being around Kim's young step kids I hope will help cheer him up. My other sister Joanne is going up to Wisconsin to spend a couple of weeks visiting her adult kids - Christine, and Michael. Christine is married and lives in Wisconsin, and Michael is engaged and living in Missouri. But they're all going to meet up in Wisconsin for Christmas. I think it's great that she's doing that in order to spend time with them, since it'd be a big expense for them to come down here to Florida. So this only leaves my brother Ward - the doctor. I barely count him in the mix at all, since you couldn't pay me enough to go over to his house for even one evening. I love Ward because he's my brother, but that's as far as it goes. If a miracle happens and he suddenly starts treating Dad the way he should have been going over the past 15 + years, then maybe I'll reconsider my attitude towards him. Until then he can keep all of his luxuries to himself - the way he prefers it - because I don't want anything from him. It's a very safe bet that even though Ward isn't leaving Florida for Christmas, and he only lives about a 2 hour drive from me, still I won't even get a simple phone call from him on Christmas day !

I MISS YOU MOM !!!!.... I MISS HER SO VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH !!!!!!