Hi Sisters...for those who don't know, my name really is Gina Churchwell, lol. When I joined this site it just didn't occur to me to make up a nickname. On facebook I am also Gina Churchwell...well I guess in all of life I am Gina Churchwell...hmmm...seriously, I am an open book. Please find me on facebook if you haven't already. I spend a lot of time there and it really helps. I reposted a Public Service Announcement on suicide that is so awesome I have to keep watching it over and over again. I can't post things like that here. I also post each of my blogs on facebook...but you can always find my blog on...guess what??? ginachurchwell.com Like I said, open book. I wrote a particularly painful blog today, and I BARELY skimmed the surface. I feel the need to start writing about my childhood, the hardships I endured...what made me, me, and in turn what made me the kind of mother I was/am to Cassi. I am a flawed human being, like everyone else. I don't think that is what the real problem is. I feel like the problem is hiding all the secrets, putting on a picture perfect image to the world and swallowing all the poison you are given as a child...the first 5 years of your life determine your basic personality. After that, you just mainly grow. Not that you can't change things, because you can, but it's very hard and very labor intensive and very painful. I have to accept the fact that the woman Cassi turned out to be was very much influenced by me...just as the woman I turned out to be was very much influenced by the adults who played the most active roles in my childhood. Also, I realize that my parents, my step-parents, were influenced by who raised them...it goes on and on. But as I said above, I don't believe that is the source of most of our pain...I believe that repressing everything, not being allowed to show your emotions, learning very young how to pretend...those are the things that destroy your soul. Much better to scream, shout, fight, make up...get it out...GET IT OUT and be genuine...genuinely imperfect...I am expecting some fall-out. Bullies are most dangerous when confronted and exposed. I guess what I am asking for is that those of you on facebook go to my page and read my latest blog and give me your honest opinion. I will listen to you. Grieving mothers are the ONLY people I listen to anymore, the ONLY people that understand. Do I sound bitter??? Vindictive??? Pathetic??? Whatever you feel when you read it, please let me know. I am trying to release some of the deep-seated misery, even hatred, and I know people, some people are going to be angry, hurt, offended, etc...but this is about me. I just need some advice, honest advice, from some sisters...Thank You!
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I love reading and writing and have had a special desire lately to write more sounds like you. I will go friend you on FB (Sarah Hoorneman DiGerolamo). Cassi is still surrounding you
Going to face book!!
Haven\'t read it yet....but I will.
I couldn\'t agree more about getting it out!!!! I was a very shy, quiet child....don\'t laugh, it\'s true!....who never wanted to cause trouble or be a bother or really even be seen at times. No need to go into detail here or now. Many things happened..... Life taught me many lessons....good and bad. I\'ve spent 51 years analyzing my life, and I\'m not done yet! What I know to be true for ME is I HAVE to express it. ALL of it! The good, the bad and the ugly.
I\'m beyond thankful to have had DS and FMO to share my darkest, most horrific time with; and I\'m equally thankful that now, in my LIGHT and JOY, I am also being given the gift of allowing me to share MY truth. That\'s what\'s so amazing about our group. We share and we care about ALL of it! No \"right\" or \"wrong\", and certainly no one shoe fits everyone....but just to be allowed to honestly say \"this is where I\'m at today\"......WOW, what a gift!!
I also am on FB and am loving it. I tried it a couple of years ago, and at that time it was not what I needed. I do love that it\'s so easy to post video\'s and share pictures. For me, FB is a very different place than DS/FMO. I\'m enjoying the \"lightness\" of it, the \"fun\" of it; reconnecting with old high school friends and such.....oh, and some of the most delicious recipes can be found on FB!! LOL!
So, from one genuinely imperfect girl to another.....I THINK YOU\'RE AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND I AM PROUD TO CALL YOU FRIEND!
Hi Gina,
I know exactly what you mean by keeping everything bottled up. I\'ve always kept everything to myself. For some reason I see it as a sign of weakness to need to pour everything out, even though I know it is probably the opposite. But I would say the biggest reason is because other than the sisters on this site I don\'t feel like anybody else understands how I feel. My son has been gone 2 years now, and it is only recently here on this site that I even sign my real name, and I don\'t usually use his name. I think even though it\'s been 2 years that I\'m still in the denial phase. It just seems like if I don\'t talk about it or say it out loud then it isn\'t really true. Stupid, I know. Anyway, I\'m going to go to your site and read your blog. I think you sound like a very strong person Gina.
I went to your blog. You have expressed yourself so well. I am so sad that your step sister (yes, I know she doesn\'t like to be referred to as step) cannot understand the pain you are in, and that she didn\'t see how she was being favoured by her mother. You are right, men really do cope by stuffing it in and pretending life is a bowl of cherries - a lot of men do anyway.
You are so right. We are shaped by our experiences throughout life. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic dad. I know my parents loved me but I don\'t ever recall being told that I was loved. And hugging was not a part of my growing up. I vowed that my children would be hugged and nurtured, that they would know that I loved them - I told them every day. In fact my last words to Lisa were \'I love you\' and she said \"i love you too\".
But that is only part of it. I have suffered depression for most of my life as my mother did. She was an illegitimate child and was ostricised by some family members. I was aware that I had relatives that I didn\'t know but as a child, I didn\'t know why. Mom grew up with half siblings - 2 sisters and a brother. Unlike you though, her step dad was great - she thought the world of him. I am sure that shaped her. Being illegitimate back then carried a real stigma. I admire my grandmother and great grandmother for having the guts to keep her.
My alcoholic dad grew up with a very abusive dad and step mother. He came to Canada when he was in his early 20s and never had contact with them again. I know his drinking had a lot to do with that.
I am so glad that you are so open. The facades and secrecy are not healthy. We all have carried pain of one sort or another around - some more so than others. Losing our children has been a real leveler. The one thing about us is that we have one another. We can let it out without recrimination.
I have been babbling. I do this sometimes when something touches me and your blog and FB entries have touched me. You are an inspiration. I am happy to call you my friend.
Love and hugs.
Marlene
I think the saying The truth will set you free can give us all some peace. Love to you and have a good week. Kathy