F---en Body Memories!!!!
I do not know where to post this...PTSD, MPD, SI....So I posted it everywhere!
The last time I was like this on this forum I disappeared for 4 months, because I tried to kill myself and was hospitalized. There is a war raging inside of me. That’s an understatement! I’m loosing my mind! I’m loosing faith and want to destroy something with all this rage in me! I am so overcome by body memories! I hate these f--en body memories!!! Does any body else have problems getting past the abusive body memories. Each personality has their own nightmare memories that come with body memories. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! All I want to do is hurt myself! I’ve been fighting through a few days now. I know it is because I’ve been working on SRA issues, but I’m at my wits end. I’ve already hurt myself on Wednesday and I’m consumed by the temptation hoping to take control, by acting out on them again. I’m so done. I do not think I can take much more of this. Allowing the body memories to be in this process of healing is like me just sitting back and allowing the abuse to happen with out a fight. I feel like my world is crashing down on me from the inside out. I cannot live with myself this way. God, I do not even have the desire to look to You. I'm seriously in trouble. I need Your help!
The last time I was like this on this forum I disappeared for 4 months, because I tried to kill myself and was hospitalized. There is a war raging inside of me. That’s an understatement! I’m loosing my mind! I’m loosing faith and want to destroy something with all this rage in me! I am so overcome by body memories! I hate these f--en body memories!!! Does any body else have problems getting past the abusive body memories. Each personality has their own nightmare memories that come with body memories. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! All I want to do is hurt myself! I’ve been fighting through a few days now. I know it is because I’ve been working on SRA issues, but I’m at my wits end. I’ve already hurt myself on Wednesday and I’m consumed by the temptation hoping to take control, by acting out on them again. I’m so done. I do not think I can take much more of this. Allowing the body memories to be in this process of healing is like me just sitting back and allowing the abuse to happen with out a fight. I feel like my world is crashing down on me from the inside out. I cannot live with myself this way. God, I do not even have the desire to look to You. I'm seriously in trouble. I need Your help!
Replies
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. May I offer a suggestion from my experience that is helping me?
Are you familiar with EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, ...tapping? I have been using tapping now for almost a year, and I feel like it is one of the strongest tools to help me overcome triggers of old traumas stored in my body as emotions. It is not that they are not there and do not keep coming up, but my negative attachment and automatic reaction to them into fight of flight mode has subdued, so that they are much more manageable and I feel much more calmness dealing with them as they bubble to the surface to be released.
There is a website called \"thetappingsolution.com\" with Jessica and Nick Ortner. They give great video instructions for basic tapping technique. Once you have learned this, you can substitute the words and goal you are trying to achieve into any tapping session. ...it is free, you can do it at home or anywhere, it takes 4-5 minutes to make a difference.
i hope this helps you. i felt like you at this time last year.... I had had enough, too! I could not take living with the pain inside of myself. I am making improvements, slow, steady progress, sometimes little setbacks, but I do have hope now. I wish there was a once and for all cure to walk out of an old life and into a new life in the blink of an eye, but I don\'t have any. However, the tapping is the quickest, most effective remedy ever, the more I practice it, ...even when I didn\'t think it was helping, the more I realize how much it has calmed my amygdala/ old reptilian fight or flight brain and dissolved some of the old instant reactions that made situations worse for me with the PSTD.
Please let me know if you need any more info on resources, and I hope and pray that this helps you as it has helped me.
hugs and prayers,
seeking
Wish we had some advice. Just know we\'re thinking of you and hoping that things will start to settle a bit for you soon. You are already in enough pain. You don\'t deserve more. Please try not to hurt yourselves. I know it feels like you\'re letting the abuse happen, but you\'re not. You\'re letting healing happen. We\'re so sorry that it\'s causing such severe body memories.
Thank you everyone. Your encouragement and guiding experiences have touched my heart. I am sorry that you can relate to me. How much cruelty there is in this world that the innocent can be wounded to the most extreme abuses. What a sad state of the human mankind. Will there ever be love and kindness for each other?
Yes, I am still stewing in my trembling horror. I do have a good therapist and psychiatrist. It is an inner struggle and exhaustive crisis for the moment. My MP system seems to be in an uproar. I don\'t quite know who is the strongest for the moment. I am ambivalent to what to do with my lack of courage. The only solace I embrace is that which is given by grace. Without that I am a nobody that anybody would care. Once again I say thank you for your kindness and concern.
Jessy
not being flip, but have you ever considered taking up boxing or karate? It helps me come down when I\'m feeling that way.
what does your therapist tell you when you tell them about feeling this way?
Hi Steph,
My therapist is very compassionate about the torment of all I went through. However, she does not allow any self pity. I think she does that just to get me angry. I am not an angry person, but I think that is why I cut, stab, abuse myself.
Kick boxing sounds like a good idea, but I\'m over wieght and may not be able to do it. My daughter does it and she loves it!
I hurt myself again last night just to stop the body memories. I think if I keep doing this I may end up back in the hospital. So, I\'m debating whether or not I should tell my therapist that I\'m hurting myself. I do not want to go to the hospital. However, hurting myself has lost it\'s impact on me and I\'m rationalizing that it\'s not so bad...I can manage this and nobody needs to know. As you can see I think my mind is twisted. What do you think? Am I in danger for minimizing my self mutalization? I\'m so confused!
I know I\'m switching, but I cannot figure out how to get me stable again. Anyway thanks for caring!
Jessy