Extremely Long: non-edited.PAIN AND GRIEF
MY DEAR FRIENDS, THX FOR BEING THERE FOR ME. SO EMOTIONAL, CRYING, JUST REALLY FEELING THE GRIEF AND PAIN OF THE PAST. I SEEM TO BE FINE THE NEXT DAY ITS LIKE IM ANOTHER PERSON. I HAVE TO BE CIVIL WITH MY HUSBAND, SO I SMILE AND MAKE NICE, DO ALL THE DAILY CHORES,ETC..
He is very sensitive and caring-- the first relationship I've ever had, where they respect me and want to stick it out. He deserves my patience and respect--- we practically never argue-- I know God has given me this at age 46. Married 10 years now.
IN MY MIND OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS: Dealing with pain and grief of lost family members. I have been so busy dealing with cfs that my emotional reactions have been delayed for a long time, sometimes decades.
2 family members: stepmom and stepdad.
Enni, my Finnish stepmom,married my Dad when I was 9 years old. Custody battle with my parents, my Dad got me and my brother Ray, who was 15 at the time.
No one ever explained the divorce to me. I was to be ready every Sat. Morning to be picked up by my Mom at the curbs side, 10am. I had another family every weekend, Mom and her new Finnish husband, Arvi.
My Mother NEVER talked or came to the door to see my Dad. Sometimes they sent messages through me-- always angry or complaining. I picked up all the tension, but it was never discussed.
Arvi my stepdad: Had him for 40 years. Was probably the most stable parenting I received out of the 4 parents. Never married, his Mom was my sweet Grandma Sigrid-- incredible woman. She died at 93-- I was so close to her.
back to Arvi: Very domestic, upper class Finnish home, 4 bedroom,4 bathroom house with fancy bar and rec room, sauna,etc.. Spent most holidays there with my daughter-- barbecues, beautiful meals in the dining room,immersed in blasting classical music, a house filled with Finnish glassware, modern imported furniture, and the traditional Finn textile rugs, runners,tablecloths, looms,...I took all this beauty for granted......I wanted to be emotionally closer to my Mom-- she was cold and distant with me--- but we still maintained a civil relationship. She didn't get involved in my life and they never expected any help from me. I could never call her if in a crisis or needing to talk---
I read somewhere that children develop a "moral centre" around age 12. I think I developed a profound disgust with wealth,privaledge and emotional coldness ,not caring. I was around it, I enjoyed it....but I was a social activist from age 20. Inside my soul I think I was deeply wounded by the HYPOCRISY I had to live in. I visited Mom and Arvi...heard all about their social environment.....dances, dinner parties,opera, cocktail receptions at Toronto's finest theatre houses and performance venues. Arvi was the Vice Consulant for Finland for many years-- which involved a lot of obligations with dignitaries etc..
Many trips to their luxury lakeside cottage with sauna, etc.. More wine and steaks, always the best....
My other life: I went home and raised my daughter on welfare. I was a student for many years, some part time jobs and lots of volunteering. I had 4 parents, and I could never go to them if I had trouble. First marriage, physically abused, I had to beg friends for help, go to churches, go to community groups...I didn't know how to survive.
i found a female lawyer and had to go to court to prove the abuse, to get divorced. I developed extensive networks of friends and contacts. If the welfare cheque was late, and I couldn't pay rent-- I talked to friends. I lived in fear and anxiety all the time. Most people I met, said they talk to their parents and often get help when life gets difficult. I was always in PAIN because I couldn't do that with my family. Finnish independence (Sisu) is a prominent fixture of the Finnish soul. I hid this pain and grief inside me for decades-- because I had to survive.
My parents maybe 1 or 2 times in 30 years, said they liked something I did. They were busy with their new marriages and didn't support me psychologically. A few boyfriends I had said, "Tiina, you have so much strength, but you don't recognize it" Can any one relate to this-- being highly accomplished, educated, skilled in the home, artistic, resourceful...and yet don't feel they are doing well? Why have I always been so desperate for positive feedback, and so hurt when people don't give it, always expecting the worst, about them and me.?
My family could never compliment me, it's like, everything I did was never enough. And on top of that, I had the experience of being supported by a large Christian community for many years. They were a lot of good things -- fun events, socializing, singing,retreats, etc..But then,bang!!
I was the first to get married and divorced. As I was raising my daughter, I had relationships, always hoping for a marriage to work out. I created a cozy clean home, cooked decent meals, negotiated low rates for my daughters piano lessons, school trips, involved her in church, etc.. All while living on welfare. The only extra money...came when relatives put cash in Xmas or birthday cards. Also tax return time was a big thing. I KNOW THAT I HAVE EXCELLENT MONEY MANAGEMENT SKILLS. So I can relate to many older women who have told me they lived in hard times raising their family.
The Christian community criticized me for divorcing and for dating other men for several years after my daughter was 5 years old. They were like a family to me -- and now they were rejecting me. Of course I searched for social contact in relationships as well as in community programs and volunteering.
The more the church rejected me ,the more I searched elsewhere for social engagement. I think my culture was VERY CRITICAL OF SINGLE MOTHERS AND DATING IN GENERAL. What do you think? All of my relationships were with interesting people who I learned a lot from and got along well with my daughter.
Sure, some had dysfunctions, but most were decent people: ie. naturopathic doctor, assistant minister, politician,science student, etc..
THE SECOND FAMILY MEMBER:
i will have to edit this later--- sorry, it's just coming out of me..and I'm crying....
back to grief and pain I feel about family: My stepmom,Enni:
-Married my Dad, I was 11,brother was 17. Basically a boot camp kind of strong Finn woman who grew up in her rural, farm, back home and was feisty, and aggressive. She tried to relate somewhat towards us kids, but what I experienced was fear and pressure. I was developing cfs but didn't know--- she put me on a weekly salary at age 12- had to buy my own soap and toothpaste, school lunches,etc..I had to do vigorous housework every weekend-- and she was a wicked task master. My muscles would shake and I got weak and nauseous. She diligently paid me every week ,AND SHE INCREASED MY SALARY as I got older. I have to give her credit for that-- I sure learned money management.
i think emotionally, this was very bad for me though-- there was no emotional relationship with my parents -- she told me that they are not there to help me, it is wrong and impolite to ask for help. So I walked home for 20 minutes from the bus stop, in the dark cold winter, rigid with fear that a man would stop his car and attack me. I had carbon monoxide poisoning when I was 14 and I threw up every hour, almost passed out --- and I was always alone......somehow I found my step moms work phone number and was so embarrassed and afraid to call. When I did ,she said, try to cope with It.She and Dad also were naucous because we went to the same wedding reception at a house with a malfunctioning fireplace-- blue smoke.
There was no offer to be with me. I also developed a kidney infection 2 years later and was always so afraid and alone. Somehow I got connected to a Finnish doctor, but he was an hour away downtown and the transit trip was long and scary at night. I was in so much pain and discovered when I reached the first subway link with another 45 minutes to ride-- that I didn't have money. I panicked and remembered that a girl from church lived 3 blocks away so I knocked on her door. I was so embarrassed and afraid. She looked shocked, and gave me a few dollars for the transit.
After, the doctors appointment, a very kind nurse said, you have a kidney infection, call your parents you have to be picked up. I didn't understand-- they would never do that. I had to take another hour transit and 20 minute walk at the suburb, in the dark scared. I was in bed about 4 days alone.
Why do other people always say their parents or family will help them? Mine never did-- and I suffered a lot. For 5 years in high school I waited for the day I could leave this wicked stepmom and arranged a part time job and basement apartment a few months after grade 13. I told my stepmom and my Dad..they were stunned...and silent. I told them the pastor's son will bring his car on Saturday...to pick up stuff. They were stunned and silent..mad?,,,I don't know...no body ever tells me how they Feel!!
For a few days before the move, my stepmom would burst into short insults, then walk away. She gave me 20$ ,tea towels and a blanket her mother made.
On Saturday, Tom came with his car. He was very polite, we loaded up and I said goodbye. My parents were distant and silent. I was never invited back. One day I called and my stepmom said, I cannot bring my boyfriend, they don't like him. (we were engaged, got married). So I didn't go.
i never knew why I was never invited back. I lived in the house for 10 years, still had my room and a lot of stuff. A few times there were family events where I was invited. It felt good to be back...but my stepmom would.... Corner me alone,,,,and verbally abuse me. My father always denied everything and never responded. Then when..I joined the family, Enni, would make nice...
I also felt the pain of this betrayal in my first marriage--- he was in seminary to become a pastor. We lived hand to mouth on student loans, my daughter Samara was 5 when we divorced.
Mike, my husband.....would threaten to abandon me, ignore me and criticize what I did a lot. I was scared and didn't know how to survive or raise a child. He would go out every Friday and never tell me when he would return or where he was. As soon as we were with someone else, he changed and was Mister Nice guy.
One time, when Samara was 1 year old, in her crib having an afternoon nap,I made arrangements to go downtown and I would call Mike and he would dress the baby and meet me in the city for dinner. It was a nice break for me. It was a breezy day in early spring and as I was going to the bus stop I got cold and had to return to get a sweater.
AS I ENTERED THE APARTMENT I FELT AN OMINOUS ,UGLY ENERGY. I looked through the hall and saw Mike in the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, packing a suitcase. I HAD CAUGHT HIM! We both knew that he was going to leave-- it was always an unspoken fear in our marriage. His face was frozen, and he told me he was going to get in his car and drive west. He had travelled to western Canada a few times and had some friends. He was going to leave the baby alone!
i was in shock and started crying-- I couldn't believe my child would be alone while I would call, the phone ringing and ringing...
in a crisis, I asked 2 church friends to please meet me after church at a park. We sat down and I told them. They said nothing-- they were stunned I guess... Mike was an active church member and confirmation teacher to the children. I got no support, no one suggested anything.
i continued to live in fear in this marriage....Mike always impressing his friends at university,work and church. It is a pain and a rage I have lived with deep in my soul--- for many years.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS LONG RANT---- I still have to figure out hoe to shorten or edit these. Today it just came pouring out....so clear to me....please forgive me...I have been crying and had to get this out....
you are all so precious to me.....sleep well.
om and
He is very sensitive and caring-- the first relationship I've ever had, where they respect me and want to stick it out. He deserves my patience and respect--- we practically never argue-- I know God has given me this at age 46. Married 10 years now.
IN MY MIND OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS: Dealing with pain and grief of lost family members. I have been so busy dealing with cfs that my emotional reactions have been delayed for a long time, sometimes decades.
2 family members: stepmom and stepdad.
Enni, my Finnish stepmom,married my Dad when I was 9 years old. Custody battle with my parents, my Dad got me and my brother Ray, who was 15 at the time.
No one ever explained the divorce to me. I was to be ready every Sat. Morning to be picked up by my Mom at the curbs side, 10am. I had another family every weekend, Mom and her new Finnish husband, Arvi.
My Mother NEVER talked or came to the door to see my Dad. Sometimes they sent messages through me-- always angry or complaining. I picked up all the tension, but it was never discussed.
Arvi my stepdad: Had him for 40 years. Was probably the most stable parenting I received out of the 4 parents. Never married, his Mom was my sweet Grandma Sigrid-- incredible woman. She died at 93-- I was so close to her.
back to Arvi: Very domestic, upper class Finnish home, 4 bedroom,4 bathroom house with fancy bar and rec room, sauna,etc.. Spent most holidays there with my daughter-- barbecues, beautiful meals in the dining room,immersed in blasting classical music, a house filled with Finnish glassware, modern imported furniture, and the traditional Finn textile rugs, runners,tablecloths, looms,...I took all this beauty for granted......I wanted to be emotionally closer to my Mom-- she was cold and distant with me--- but we still maintained a civil relationship. She didn't get involved in my life and they never expected any help from me. I could never call her if in a crisis or needing to talk---
I read somewhere that children develop a "moral centre" around age 12. I think I developed a profound disgust with wealth,privaledge and emotional coldness ,not caring. I was around it, I enjoyed it....but I was a social activist from age 20. Inside my soul I think I was deeply wounded by the HYPOCRISY I had to live in. I visited Mom and Arvi...heard all about their social environment.....dances, dinner parties,opera, cocktail receptions at Toronto's finest theatre houses and performance venues. Arvi was the Vice Consulant for Finland for many years-- which involved a lot of obligations with dignitaries etc..
Many trips to their luxury lakeside cottage with sauna, etc.. More wine and steaks, always the best....
My other life: I went home and raised my daughter on welfare. I was a student for many years, some part time jobs and lots of volunteering. I had 4 parents, and I could never go to them if I had trouble. First marriage, physically abused, I had to beg friends for help, go to churches, go to community groups...I didn't know how to survive.
i found a female lawyer and had to go to court to prove the abuse, to get divorced. I developed extensive networks of friends and contacts. If the welfare cheque was late, and I couldn't pay rent-- I talked to friends. I lived in fear and anxiety all the time. Most people I met, said they talk to their parents and often get help when life gets difficult. I was always in PAIN because I couldn't do that with my family. Finnish independence (Sisu) is a prominent fixture of the Finnish soul. I hid this pain and grief inside me for decades-- because I had to survive.
My parents maybe 1 or 2 times in 30 years, said they liked something I did. They were busy with their new marriages and didn't support me psychologically. A few boyfriends I had said, "Tiina, you have so much strength, but you don't recognize it" Can any one relate to this-- being highly accomplished, educated, skilled in the home, artistic, resourceful...and yet don't feel they are doing well? Why have I always been so desperate for positive feedback, and so hurt when people don't give it, always expecting the worst, about them and me.?
My family could never compliment me, it's like, everything I did was never enough. And on top of that, I had the experience of being supported by a large Christian community for many years. They were a lot of good things -- fun events, socializing, singing,retreats, etc..But then,bang!!
I was the first to get married and divorced. As I was raising my daughter, I had relationships, always hoping for a marriage to work out. I created a cozy clean home, cooked decent meals, negotiated low rates for my daughters piano lessons, school trips, involved her in church, etc.. All while living on welfare. The only extra money...came when relatives put cash in Xmas or birthday cards. Also tax return time was a big thing. I KNOW THAT I HAVE EXCELLENT MONEY MANAGEMENT SKILLS. So I can relate to many older women who have told me they lived in hard times raising their family.
The Christian community criticized me for divorcing and for dating other men for several years after my daughter was 5 years old. They were like a family to me -- and now they were rejecting me. Of course I searched for social contact in relationships as well as in community programs and volunteering.
The more the church rejected me ,the more I searched elsewhere for social engagement. I think my culture was VERY CRITICAL OF SINGLE MOTHERS AND DATING IN GENERAL. What do you think? All of my relationships were with interesting people who I learned a lot from and got along well with my daughter.
Sure, some had dysfunctions, but most were decent people: ie. naturopathic doctor, assistant minister, politician,science student, etc..
THE SECOND FAMILY MEMBER:
i will have to edit this later--- sorry, it's just coming out of me..and I'm crying....
back to grief and pain I feel about family: My stepmom,Enni:
-Married my Dad, I was 11,brother was 17. Basically a boot camp kind of strong Finn woman who grew up in her rural, farm, back home and was feisty, and aggressive. She tried to relate somewhat towards us kids, but what I experienced was fear and pressure. I was developing cfs but didn't know--- she put me on a weekly salary at age 12- had to buy my own soap and toothpaste, school lunches,etc..I had to do vigorous housework every weekend-- and she was a wicked task master. My muscles would shake and I got weak and nauseous. She diligently paid me every week ,AND SHE INCREASED MY SALARY as I got older. I have to give her credit for that-- I sure learned money management.
i think emotionally, this was very bad for me though-- there was no emotional relationship with my parents -- she told me that they are not there to help me, it is wrong and impolite to ask for help. So I walked home for 20 minutes from the bus stop, in the dark cold winter, rigid with fear that a man would stop his car and attack me. I had carbon monoxide poisoning when I was 14 and I threw up every hour, almost passed out --- and I was always alone......somehow I found my step moms work phone number and was so embarrassed and afraid to call. When I did ,she said, try to cope with It.She and Dad also were naucous because we went to the same wedding reception at a house with a malfunctioning fireplace-- blue smoke.
There was no offer to be with me. I also developed a kidney infection 2 years later and was always so afraid and alone. Somehow I got connected to a Finnish doctor, but he was an hour away downtown and the transit trip was long and scary at night. I was in so much pain and discovered when I reached the first subway link with another 45 minutes to ride-- that I didn't have money. I panicked and remembered that a girl from church lived 3 blocks away so I knocked on her door. I was so embarrassed and afraid. She looked shocked, and gave me a few dollars for the transit.
After, the doctors appointment, a very kind nurse said, you have a kidney infection, call your parents you have to be picked up. I didn't understand-- they would never do that. I had to take another hour transit and 20 minute walk at the suburb, in the dark scared. I was in bed about 4 days alone.
Why do other people always say their parents or family will help them? Mine never did-- and I suffered a lot. For 5 years in high school I waited for the day I could leave this wicked stepmom and arranged a part time job and basement apartment a few months after grade 13. I told my stepmom and my Dad..they were stunned...and silent. I told them the pastor's son will bring his car on Saturday...to pick up stuff. They were stunned and silent..mad?,,,I don't know...no body ever tells me how they Feel!!
For a few days before the move, my stepmom would burst into short insults, then walk away. She gave me 20$ ,tea towels and a blanket her mother made.
On Saturday, Tom came with his car. He was very polite, we loaded up and I said goodbye. My parents were distant and silent. I was never invited back. One day I called and my stepmom said, I cannot bring my boyfriend, they don't like him. (we were engaged, got married). So I didn't go.
i never knew why I was never invited back. I lived in the house for 10 years, still had my room and a lot of stuff. A few times there were family events where I was invited. It felt good to be back...but my stepmom would.... Corner me alone,,,,and verbally abuse me. My father always denied everything and never responded. Then when..I joined the family, Enni, would make nice...
I also felt the pain of this betrayal in my first marriage--- he was in seminary to become a pastor. We lived hand to mouth on student loans, my daughter Samara was 5 when we divorced.
Mike, my husband.....would threaten to abandon me, ignore me and criticize what I did a lot. I was scared and didn't know how to survive or raise a child. He would go out every Friday and never tell me when he would return or where he was. As soon as we were with someone else, he changed and was Mister Nice guy.
One time, when Samara was 1 year old, in her crib having an afternoon nap,I made arrangements to go downtown and I would call Mike and he would dress the baby and meet me in the city for dinner. It was a nice break for me. It was a breezy day in early spring and as I was going to the bus stop I got cold and had to return to get a sweater.
AS I ENTERED THE APARTMENT I FELT AN OMINOUS ,UGLY ENERGY. I looked through the hall and saw Mike in the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, packing a suitcase. I HAD CAUGHT HIM! We both knew that he was going to leave-- it was always an unspoken fear in our marriage. His face was frozen, and he told me he was going to get in his car and drive west. He had travelled to western Canada a few times and had some friends. He was going to leave the baby alone!
i was in shock and started crying-- I couldn't believe my child would be alone while I would call, the phone ringing and ringing...
in a crisis, I asked 2 church friends to please meet me after church at a park. We sat down and I told them. They said nothing-- they were stunned I guess... Mike was an active church member and confirmation teacher to the children. I got no support, no one suggested anything.
i continued to live in fear in this marriage....Mike always impressing his friends at university,work and church. It is a pain and a rage I have lived with deep in my soul--- for many years.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS LONG RANT---- I still have to figure out hoe to shorten or edit these. Today it just came pouring out....so clear to me....please forgive me...I have been crying and had to get this out....
you are all so precious to me.....sleep well.
om and
Replies
No apology needed, Tina. I\'m a big believer in letting things come out when you can. It comes in waves and I always say, \"Ride the wave and get out what you can.\" There is so much here that merits lamenting. Obviously, there have been many betrayals and moments when you didn\'t get the support you needed. I think one of the saddest betrayals is that of the church. I\'m so sorry that happened to you. It has happened to me a couple of times as well. The reason why that betrayal is so serious is that it not only feels that you have been abandoned by friends, but it can also feel that you have been abandoned by God. I truly believe that there exists true Christian community, but you will only find it with a very few people. In many churches, there are only a few safe people. You have to identify those people and find healing and community and grace with them.
There is so much here to process. Maybe you can sit quietly with God and ask Him where He wants you to begin. As I help people walk through wounds, we always ask God where to begin. Sometimes we begin with the big stuff and sometimes we start small and work our way up. The question I usually pose is \"What wound is currently most in the way of my ongoing healing?\" Then you wait and see what comes to mind and you start there and fully process that wound.
Truly, you are a strong woman. You have weathered many storms. Miraculously, you are still moving forward. You have all my empathy and support.
Love you.
I think you are very brave in sharing all of this with us, and brave to be honest with yourself about it. It is hard to face the past and all the unfair rejection from cruel and insensitive people. I know this from my own life, and I think emotional pain is much harder than physical pain, but it can ease somewhat through confronting it. I am sorry you had to do so much alone as a young person - I had a much different upbringing but very similar in that regard. I know it made me a strong person, but it was a lonely, and often scary way to live. God never leaves us or forsakes us, but many people do, including those who claim to represent Him. I am glad you have found your new husband who can be with you on this difficult journey.
Maybe all this emotional release has led you to the great news in your most recent journal.It is all about holistic healing..body mind and spirit. How to heal from our life time of wounds and how to learn to tame our powerful minds. To make them our friends instead of our worst enemy.How to recognise that we are not our mind or our body but eternal spirit souls.Not an easy journey.I am sorry for your painful wounds my friend.Sometimes the scars remain forever.However with the acceptance of the imperfections of all human beings and with forgiveness for them and ourselves we must move try to move on.Somehow we have to reprogram our thinking...see it all in a higher new perspective.I have great difficulty with this myself.My heart is scarred and still paining from traumas in my life.Some just too painful to share.It often feels like a heavy chain dragging me down and I am trapped in painful emotions.
I am wondering Tiina, what happened to your biological mother?
I am so glad that you are opening up and sharing so many things with us.Especially the shock you experienced of discovering that your young baby was going to be left alone.I think that shock has been stored within you all these yrs.Also to feel unwanted and unloved by your family is a heavy load to carry for such a long time.However despite all of the pain you did survive. You have a devoted husband who loves you.What a blessing.AND..you have all of your friends here at DS to reveal whatever your heart desires.We listen and care.So we are like a new kind of family right here and now.We can never change the past. Here and now is our life.So together we will make it better.All love and healing my dear friend.xoxo
Dear Tina - I\'ve just read your journal; your brave cathartic and brutally honest journal. It is late and I want to respond when I am more alert. Thank you for offering yourself and your pain and questions to us here at DS. I will write more soon in response. In the meantime, be kind and loving to yourself - you just went through some hell recalling all this pain and sadness. You need rest and nourishment.
With Gratitude and Love,
Denise