Extension of previous entry (8/23/12)
I feel a need to add something that was left unsaid from Thursday's entry that's still kinda relevant; the fact that I'm typing this at 2:35 in the morning should tell you that I'm havng a lot of problems wrapping my head around this but basically have no hope of reconciling this without help from you guys:
Basically, this ongoing problem of the world is out to get me has been in place for so long that I behave accordingly, even though the people responsible for the scavenger hunt scar are long, long out of my life:
* I used to work as an accountant. When that gig ended, I intentionally trainwrecked several interviews afterwards because I didn't want to meet the HR person, convinced that he/she wanted my head, not my services. (this is what the rumor of being a possible hogtie target has done to me, and this is probably the first time I have technically admitted to this in public).
* For effectively the same reasons, I have refused to network or get a mentor, despite admissions that I am going to have to do both. As far I am concerned, everybody outside of DS is evil...that's right, I said evil. And this despite evidence to the contrary...remember that I told you about Elda a little bit the other day, plus the professor was really fair considering how difficult the course I just finished was.
WyndWytch, I acknowledge that I just told you this privately...but again, I'm in an everybody needs to see this mold. Considering that counseling is not possible with the fall setup that I have, how in heck am I going to reconcile the above? Any gut feelings at all?
Basically, this ongoing problem of the world is out to get me has been in place for so long that I behave accordingly, even though the people responsible for the scavenger hunt scar are long, long out of my life:
* I used to work as an accountant. When that gig ended, I intentionally trainwrecked several interviews afterwards because I didn't want to meet the HR person, convinced that he/she wanted my head, not my services. (this is what the rumor of being a possible hogtie target has done to me, and this is probably the first time I have technically admitted to this in public).
* For effectively the same reasons, I have refused to network or get a mentor, despite admissions that I am going to have to do both. As far I am concerned, everybody outside of DS is evil...that's right, I said evil. And this despite evidence to the contrary...remember that I told you about Elda a little bit the other day, plus the professor was really fair considering how difficult the course I just finished was.
WyndWytch, I acknowledge that I just told you this privately...but again, I'm in an everybody needs to see this mold. Considering that counseling is not possible with the fall setup that I have, how in heck am I going to reconcile the above? Any gut feelings at all?
Replies
heheh well the more thoughts you can get on the subject the likely better for you in the end. Different people will have different pieces of advice, as for fall term, I wrote it in the response back to you. one thing to think about is doing morning affirmations that someone mentioned. First thing when you wake tell yourself that no one is going to harm you, the day is going to go smoothly and without incident. I don\'t do this personally, however have thought about trying it as i do see the validity in it. The idea of if you stub your toe in the morning the day goes to hell :P so yeah. But give it a try and try to conciously remember that no one has the intent to hurt you, there is a small small percentage of people who would harm you, and the likelihood you know them is slim. Ironically if you were female that number goes up drastically, but you don\'t have to worry about that aspect. so you are safe at school and around those people. They are paying for college same as you and that is their focus. harming you would take energy away from their goals :D so they aren\'t gonna hurt you :D
Well you already knew I was gonna say this, but i love the affitmation idea lol. I love the idea that you can make up your own. So if I was going to make one up for you, in addition to WyndWytch\'s awesome ideas, I would add something about being in control of your feelings and reactions :) reconciling these feelings...hmm...going to take some work, obviously, but we\'re all works-in-progress, you know? Do you think it would help to focus on positive things in the world, like on the news? The news can be a real downer...I don\'t share your fears, but I do often look for \'positive news\' on the internet after watching/reading the regular news. It really does actually help to see some positive stories, and for me it always reminds me that as much horrible stuff is going on, there\'s plenty of good out there too. Actually, there\'s more, in my opinion, it just doesn\'t make the regular news lol. But the reason I\'m thinking that is maybe, the more you show yourself that people are (with exceptions, of course) basically good, the fears might begin to let up just the tiniest bit? I don\'t know, just an idea, as always :P wishing you peace, friend
I can totally relate to the \"everyone is evil outside of DS\" feeling you have. I think you knew that already tho, because I seem to mention it a lot :P I think self sabotage is a huge side effect of depression. I mean, I don\'t like to blame everything on depression, but I just think it can really mess with someone\'s self esteem and perception of things. I know it does with mine. You just have to remember that no one actually has the intent to hurt you (just like Wyndwytch said) I hope you start to feel better
HUGS