hard to sit with feelings at times, trying to grow

I came to see my parents today and I got to their house before they got home from the gym. 

Not a good idea.
I was sitting on their living room couch

and watching tv in their living room and I started to have misgivings but I tried to deal with it.

I felt the usual pattern of behavior on my part start to trickle down - and I suppose because I was

aware of something happening I probably reacted in a way that made my feelings more intense. They eventually came back.

When there it's like I become objectified and unsure about putting a foot wrong and I try and hold on to those together

with family feelings - but then again, like today, I was just dealing with a lot of agression...trying to hold onto

a segment of my life and yet to stick my head above the water line of their expectation and feel like I have a life of my own while being

with them is something I am learning to do. I don't know if this sounds awful.

They have been beyond generous with me in my life

and this is just 'me trying to make sense of my psyche' - and manage my feelings when with others..

I thought of Rich's journal today how much he seemed to be drowning in it - I get it - and what I thought

about today while sitting there on the couch with them is Rich and the similar reaction we have had...

Now I am knowing I am starting to indeed process my feelings

but sometimes it's very hard to 'sit with the feelings' as your having them and you kind of have to have

a kind of faith that 'this too shall pass' - it's just going to be a bitch while getting through it...

So I stayed a while longer and then they said please come back for dinner - so I'll go back in a couple of hours.

They are so loving and kind - I just need to keep up morale - play with Blue a little bit now that I am home -

and then go back. I think my anger came from my own frustration of not knowing how to feel like a viable 

individual and it's perhaps my limitation and not really knowing what is going on inside.

But I am home now - so no time to waste - I'll give my baby lots of tlc. :)