Expectations
Things are bad right now. Tdoc says to cut myself some slack. He said I put too much pressure on myself. I need to lower my expectations. Lower my expectations. He said that I am trying to make changes before I understand what happened to me. I told him I understood very well what happened to me. He said I needed to understand how it is affecting me today. I say I need to change. I am less than human. I think "me" died a long time ago. I think I was born into a violent and dysfunctional family and that family was my creator. I feel I have no options. I am nothing if you strip away the parts created by fear and anger. How are my expectations unrealistic? I want to be human. I want to be more than an old, ugly lump of flesh. I fake everything. There is nothing under my fat skin. If my expectations are so unrealistic then maybe I shouldn't have any at all. Maybe there isn't any point of continuing. I am slowly dying while I sit here having unrealistic expectations. Realistic expectations(whatever those are) are not going to stop the death. I am out of control with no help in sight. No solution in sight. The inevitable outcome is death. I will just eat until I am too fat to move. I am almost there all ready. I will eat myself into a heart attack. it's not far away. I have unrealistic expectations. The problem is , I don't have the time for realistic ones.
Replies
How about making a decision to give yourself some unconditional love? You say you understand everything, but what I hear from you is self-blame and condemnation. Where is the compassion, the tenderness, the advocacy for that little girl? When you say there is nothing there that was not forged by fear and pain you are denying the pearl of a child that is locked away inside. You have to stop blaming and abusing yourself. You don\'t even realize it but you have deeply and thoroughly imbibed the messages of your abusers and you have taken over for them. Stop hating and blaming the victim. Just stop. You gotta open your heart to that child!
I here you on the \"cut yourself some slack\" . Do you have to remain the \"old me\" and maybe think of it as a \"new me\"? I believe if you strip down there is a hole lot of love inside of you wanting to come out. Exactly, what are realistic expectations? Those are expectations you must set for yourself, no one else. You are human. You make me laugh!!! Do I need to fart for you? Do I need to go into the doctor next week and do it, record it and send it to you? Please know you are awesome.
I think you\'re having an emotional flashback.
You said \"I am less than human.\"
I think that\'s a canned feeling.
I think that\'s about how your abusers treated you.
\" I feel I have no options\"
You did not have any options in the past.
Again, a canned feeling. In the past it was totally true.
You have options now, you are a strong, beautiful person, strong enough to rescue little you from the pain she\'s stuck in.
\"I think \"me\" died a long time ago\"
...Have you grieved your own death?
You died. Your soul was murdered. I\'ll take your word for that because that\'s something I myself feel.
I had a tremendous amount of grief for losing something I cannot define, but I felt I was mourning my own death. I have gotten rid of some of that grief.
All I know is I need to stop the downward spiral. All my bad habits are getting worse, the pain is getting worse, the anger, the sadness, all worse. As far as the weight thing...I am not talking simply being to heavy and hating on myself. I fucking struggle to walk. I have gained a lot of weight with therapy. I am dying. I need to change yet can\'t. Unrealistic expectations. I need to be shot like a dying animal or change. I don\'t see anyway out. I am in a hole.
....and the other thing...kids don\'t come back from being evil little shits. They never do. That is why they are tried as adults. That psych was right, years ago. I just didn\'t see it. I should have been put away.
Holy cow, you really are in a dark place! This is all societal denial, letting adults off the hook, calling kids \"evil\" to let adults off the hook for not protecting them from the harm done to them. It is BULLSHIT. Kids heal, even adults heal. If you were the hardened, lost cause you would have us believe you are, do you think this much love would be coming your way? Do you think a dainty woman like Dooo would be willing to go and fart in public for you?!
Please consider what BlueDragon wrote - it has the ring of truth. Try to find that part of you, a tiny particle of you, that can separate from all you\'re feeling now and have a little bit of perspective on it. Beyond your personality, your history, there is a soul that stands outside all that ... if you can, stop for a minute to notice that you are a soul in a human body having a human experience - yet you are ultimately a Consciousness going through all this stuff. W
Every time you put yourself down and insult yourself you are giving power to the people who taught you how to hate yourself. Take your power back and when you think these destructive thoughts that were taught to you, change them. It\'s a mental exercise that you CAN win. Every time you change your thinking to \"I am a good lovable person\" you tell all those adults \"Fuck You!\" (sorry for the language). And isn\'t about time you let all parts of you regain their power? Are you really going to continue to let those EVIL ADULTS win?
Lately I have nothing except anger and fear. I am out of control. I don\'t know how to fix that. I get scared and angry every time I feel hungry. I struggle to be in public. I go from scared toddler to angry teenager in seconds depending on who is too close to me. I have too many feelings. I just want peace. I want peace without needing to disassociate to get it.
I\'m so sorry it\'s so hard. Healing is a painful process for sure. I wonder if changing therapists would help. I remember you saying you selected a male on purpose but maybe a gentler approach would help. Have you thought of working with a female instead? The healing process is difficult enough, why add another level of discomfort to it?
All I can offer is stories of how I got through this phase. During the healing process I immersed myself in the abuse. I lived it 24/7 and was terrified and in a panic most of this time. I felt safe on one couch and in only one position on that couch. I rarely slept. I forced myself to face it every day. I forced myself to cry. I forced myself to scream and yell. I forced myself to punch a punching bag. I forced myself to move when all instinct was telling me to freeze. Several times I had shaking fits where I couldn\'t control my body for a few hours. And after all that, one day, I felt a little better. So I kept doing it because I knew if I stopped doing it I would be stuck in that miserable state forever. And I didn\'t want that. I was suicidal on several occasions but chose to move forward instead. Now I am stronger than I have ever been. And you will be too as long as you focus on your goal of healing. I know, and completely understand, that your weight is troubling you and making you further depressed. It did me too. It is an added stress none of us need during the healing process. For me, i couldn\'t focus on my eating disorder until everything else was healed.
I\'m not sure if this was helpful. I hope it was. And I really hope it does not make you feel worse. Please hang in there Cecil. It does eventually get better.
Nah...doesn\'t make me feel worse. I want to find that place of acceptance of my own garbage and just let go.
I have thought about changing therapists but I have worked too hard with this one. I have pushed through some rough things and he has been very supportive and responsive. That doesn\'t mean any of it has been easy...it has been hell sometimes but I think he \"gets\" me.
There is no way I would want to start over with someone else.
Are you ready to propel yourself forward in your healing process? Then change your self talk. Fill your mind with positive self talk every minute of every day. Write positive things about yourself on sticky notes and put them all around your home where you can see them and read them all the time. When you hear yourself say something like:
\"I was an evil child\" say \"NO!!! THEY LIED!!! I was a good and lovable child and I am a good and lovable adult\".
If you say you can say this out loud it is even better because it does something neurologically when it is said out loud. I don\'t understand it enough to explain it but it does work.
Repitition is key. Every minute of the day fill your thoughts with:
I am lovable
I am kind
I am beautiful
I am good
I am lovable for WHO I am not for the shape of my body
The more often you say these the faster you will believe them. This is a \'fake it till you make it\' process so don\'t give up. How you feel about yourself is your foundation from which the rest of your healing process sits. If you continue to follow in the footsteps of the adults who put you down then your foundation will crumble and you will not have anything to stand on.
Give a try for the next 2 months. Flood your mind with positive thoughts about yourself and challenge those old destructive thoughts that someone taught you was the right way to think. What have you got to loose? After all, the way you are thinking now isn\'t working...right? So change it. This is your first step in regaining your own power. It starts inside, not outside.