Exhausting week-end
Good Morning - this past week-end was one of the most emotional week-ends I have had in a very long time. I cried pretty much everyday and of course in the midst of that, Jim grew impatient and we went down a road that was pretty bumpy......
It started off Friday evening as we went to a highschool football game that Jim's grandson (16) was participating in the halftime show. Sitting in those grandstands, watching kids and families interacting, I let my emotions get carried away - all those memories came flooding back , of what I don't have now....being around Jim's daughter is always a positive thing as she is always very welcoming and loving to me, I just have such a hard time accepting this in my heart. My head tells me, how grateful I need to be for this relationship but my heart is screaming....where is MY daughter. I'm sorry - I sound like a broken record....
Sat. morning we left for Arizona for a little R&R (took MOnday off work) - I really didn't want to go (and shouldn't have) but I pushed myself to go as I had promised Jim.....I was emotional the drive there, just replaying Friday night and all those memories.....Jim became impatient because he couldn't fix it - by the time we got there, I was pretty much a mess. I tried to keep quiet, in my own thoughts but those damn tears just kept falling. We talked a little and of course I said, "I don't have this anymore", I'm jealous, I'm so sad...and many other things to which he replied, "you have got to get over this"....to which I replied, ?*&%!! and you know where this led......I was crying even more, gut wrenching sobs......to which he just kept staring at me. I finally went to bed, praying Sunday would be better. Well Sunday morning was worse - the tears kept flowing......the questions started again - why, why......why didn't I have more kids? why just my Jennifer and why is she gone? ....it was endless, along with those tears.
I listened to a pod-cast of a pastor on grief. He had lost his wife of 45 years and he said a couple of things that hit my heart and made sense to me....His wife (60) died of ovarian cancer within 9 months of being diagnosed. He had many talks with God about this and of course wanted his wife "healed" so she could stay on this earth - but what has helped him is this: He said his wife dying was "God's business between his wife & God". His wife's dying had nothing to do with him (of course he is affected) but it was really between God and his wife. She was the one who was going through treaments, she was the one sick, she was the one suffering and she was God's daughter all along, loaned to him as his wife.
I was raised in the church, believing in God and honesty is, when my mom & daughter died within 7months of each other, my faith, belief has been rocked.....but listening to this man, made sense to me. I am deeply affected( as we all are) by our children not being on earth side and the pain is endless, sometimes, but for me personally, I can live with it's God's business....my jennifer is God's daughter and he took her home to be with him....I don't like it, I don't understand but the why's have led me down a bitter path that has affected every aspect of my life and I'm done with that......So many well meaning Christians have said, oh Jennifer is in a better place, oh Jennifer is with Jesus, oh Jennifer isn't sufferring anymore....the well meaning statements are endless, none of which comforted me.....or made sense , even though I believe what they said.....but hearing it's God's business and not between God & me but between my Jennifer and God....it made sense...
I shared with Jim what I listened to and it helped us sort of meet in the middle, realizing he will never get it.
Just wanted to share - you all understand the ups and downs of this journey when no-one does.....Sending much love & hugs
Replies
Its hard to be having people in our lives needing/demanding/just waiting on us to pull ourselves together... Sometimes it'd be nice if they could just sit down and cry with us... just give us the gift of saying... I hate it for you... I didn't know Jennifer but through you I feel like I know her somewhat... and it breaks my heart for you that she died... I am glad you found some comfort... but if the road gets rough... This is where you can share with moms who like you are living the ups and downs of this heart breaking journey... Sometimes the leaner... sometimes the pillar... As the summer is winding down... the days getting shorter... Cara's birthday comes and goes... her angel day... the holidays... I hate the dark and cold... perhaps things like that may be happening and affecting you... sometimes we figure out what we think is the reason... sometimes not... we'll just have to muddle along the best we can... Hugs Elissa
First I am glad to hear from you...It seems like it has been too long.
I SOOOOO understand your reaction to the football game. As a matter of fact, any other reaction would have confused me. I can't go to a basketball or softball game...too many memories and too many intact families that have no idea how blessed they are or how broken I am.
Oh the times I have wished I'd had more children...even though those grieving mothers that do have other children have told me they really focus on the missing child, but I have also had mothers express their sympathy and tell me they couldn't imagine losing their only one. It isn't easy for any of us, and we can't go back in time and have more babies.
I want you to know your husband is like a lot of men. I don't remember if he is the father of your daughter, but I would imagine that if he isn't that would add another layer of misunderstanding. My husband is Cassi's father, we have been married nearly 27 years, and he still doesn't understand my grief. It's because I am very emotional...I cry a lot, and he wants to help but simply doesn't know how...so then he gets angry about , whatever...I shouldn't be reading sad books, or watching sad movies, or listening to sad music...looking through old scrapbooks, whatever he can think of to blame it on. I THINK I finally got through to him when I explained that the grief is like poison, and crying is like purging. I don't decide to listen to sad music, THEN get sad and cry...it's that I am already feeling sad, I want to hear the music, I WANT to cry. It helps me.
Suppressing pain doesn't work for me...or anyone else in my opinion. Maybe if you could explain it to him in those terms...the pain needs to come up and out. It's not going away, but it will fester if not given the time it needs.
I don't know what to say about him telling you that you have to get over it. I'm sorry, it enrages me and I don't want to disrespect your husband, so I just have to withhold comment.
It's awesome that your pastor gave you a new perspective on your loss. It's amazing how much a simple pivot in the way we look at something can have such an impact on the way we feel.
Are you on Facebook??? I wish we could talk more. If you are I am simply Gina Churchwell, but my privacy settings are pretty tight. If you have an account and can't find me just let me know your name on there.
I totally get it. I have had many days like that. Joe has asked me many times "What's the matter." I just say I'm sad and I miss Lisa. I reassure him that I will be okay and he can't fix it. He is getting better. He now will give me a hug. It has been a long long road.
Lisa's daughter is expecting twins next month. I am angry that Lisa won't be here to share her mothering knowledge with Cevyn. She would be the best Granny ever. Life is just NOT FAIR!
I grew up at church and to tell the truth, my faith lies elsewhere now. I am very comfortable in my skin now. I do believe that one way or another, I will be with Lisa again.
I am babbling but I just want you to know that you are not alone.
Wishing you peace. Tight hugs, M
My hubby used to say " just think of the good memories" If I herd that one more time I would bust. Now 7 yrs out he will ask if I am ok, I will answer I am thinking of Mike. He will pat me on the leg or give me a hug and hold on. I guess he gets it ( I am lucky for that) He now thinks of his son and will sit outside and talk to him. He is not interested in living but not wanting to die either. So life goes on and on. One day it will be better.
Hugs Penny
Oh dear Vicki, how I understand that all we ask is that others hold a loving space for us just to feel whatever it is that we need to be feeling. Just the other day I sent a picture I had found of Douglas along with a few others to my sister. No comment about the one of my son and to have any kind of expectation around it that she would always gets me into deep trouble. It just hurts not to have an acknowledgment of what each of us moves through daily in our shit storms which they are at times. Deepest of sighs...
All those platitudes that are said are for the giver and not the receiver. I truly believe we are meant to continue to show up and teach gently when and where we can that there is another way. Just sit with us, show up, hold our hand, give a hug, create a loving space and companion us where we need to go, not where the other believes we should be.
Huge exhales and lots of love and light your way dear mom of Jennifer from Douglas and me.
XO Joanie
I agree all those platitudes are for the giver not for us because they are lost as to how to deal with us because they can not imagine the pain. I have been told and read that are children really are never ours they God's and he is loaning them to us and that before we are even conceived God knows when he will call us back home. I have found some comfort finally in those words but it took a long long time. I am over 24 years now without my Jerred and I still have all the why's, what would be like now at 30 years old, would he be married and a daddy etc. Just know that we are all here for you and understand . I have started meditating lately and that is helping me out quite abit, I still cry but not as often anymore. I am always available if you want to talk I have great shoulders to cry on.
Hugs and Love,
Susie