Exhausted

   This week has been an absolute wreck. I have a massive art assignment, large still life in pastels and color pencil on toned paper + a watercolor piece on slightly smaller paper. I’ve been staying up until an average of 1 getting it done every night. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but sleep deprivation does really bad things to me, even a few hours. 

   It’s sort of my fault because I couldn’t go tothe first class as the SAT was literally on the same day, at the same time. Great scheduling, huh? Well, I didn’t look at the syllabus and realize the first class had massive homework until a week later. I finished a small part of it that week but left the larger part for this week. I didn’t anticipate her giving more damn homework on top of that! Everyone else had two weeks to finish one piece. I have one week to finish two, as well as dealing with homework from four AP classes. It was bad from the get go.

   The lack of free time, stress, and sleep deprivation took their toll, and I’m dealing with a bad funk that ironically saps my motivation. I’m even noticing joint and muscle pains. I feel less inclined to eat or drink. I’m forgetful. I’ve been dissociating so hard my head feels like a balloon instead of a brain that can process things. It feels empty. I have such a delayed ability to process things now, I’ve had to put up more of a front at school. 

   I wanted to be able to work hard on something and stay relatively sane and motivated, but I.. guess that’s not the case. I don’t know if I’m just not mentally strong enough or if I’m not taking care of myself enough. I’ve devoted a lot of time and mess and anxiety to it now and I still don’t necessarily like how it looks. It makes me angry at myself. Everything does. 

   I’m so tired. I think I may spend tomorrow afternoon napping before going at it again into the night. I have to do that if I want to finish it in time... maybe I’m working inefficiently, but I feel so unconfident about my artistic ability at this point it’s hard to help it.

  I just want to get out of this funk. Bleghh