Excited for the first time in a long time :)

It is really late here... The middle of the night. Everything is silent, and even my dog has abandoned me to go sleep somewhere where the whirring of the computer or my ipad won't keep him awake.
 
It has been a hellish couple of weeks, truth me told. with my ex coming out of the woodwork, my sister being hit by a car and finally, just to top it all off, my mom calling me to tell me that she is divorcing my dad... Because she is in love with her therapist!!! What the hell?
 
Too much drama for me.
 
I am happy that my sister is doing okay, but untangling myself from this mass of emotions while trying to figure out my life has been hard. I finally lost it earlier this week (it didn't take long), and decided to let everyone fix their own lives while still being as loving, compassionate and caring as I can be.
 
I let go.
 
About a week ago, I sat nestled atop a mountain in Sedona, Arizona on a brief respite from my business trip. The rocks seemed to hum, almost as if they were alive. I crawled out onto a ledge and sat down carefully, swinging my legs out from beneath me. The earth dropped away several hundred feet below me. It was so green, in strong disaccord of what I had always pictured the desert to be like. The spring flowers were in full bloom and the colors were visible even from my little perch. The sun beamed down, warming my shoulders. I lost myself in the tumble of colors, the red of the rocks, the green of the cactus' and brush, the shocking reds and blues of flowers I will never name.
 
I simply let myself be.
 
I have been searching for answers my entire life about what I want to do, the life I want to lead and was meant to have.
 
I have always envied other people who so quickly knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. My life was always a blank slate, a twisting kaleidoscope of different images that changed from mood to mood. Never lasting, but always consistent in wanting to help other people...
 
On that rock, I gazed down and saw the life I could lead. One focused on wellness and healing, both myself and others, a life filled with creativity and success, love and friendships. Children. I saw a woman who faced her fears and inspired others to do the same, to become greater in themselves. A woman filled with love, compassion, drive and kindness.
 
I don't know how I am going to get there yet, but I am on my way. A marriage between the mental and the physical. True abundance.
 
I am happy just being myself. I still have so many changes to make, so many shifts that need to happen to ensure I never experience abuse again, but I know it is possible. It is not an easy road, but a road does exist. A way out of the pain I have lived for the past five years and beyond.
 
It is not going to be easy, but with perseverance and commitment, I know it can be done. It is amazing to think about how much I let myself be beaten down by such a little person. He was so small in his limited beliefs, in his reluctance to love, or just let go of control... He was so little, little, little.
 
I am so glad I left that life behind. My life is beginning to unfold, and for the first time in a long time, I am excited about what the future holds.
 
It is a gift.
 
I am so lucky, we are so lucky, to be alive.
 
Sweet dreams!