Exam

Mid-term exam tonight. I'm taking the morning off to study. Although calm, I am non-plused. No excitement. I did figure out how to rewire the bathroom switches. At first I was angry that the guy who originally wired it had made a mistake, now I can accept it as a mistake, nothing more. It seems part of my personality is to get things done, right, the first time. There's something about mistakes and having to do things over that still bothers me at some level. At the moment I don't feel codependent, at least in the care-taking sense. Maybe because I'm working for a 'friend'. MSG1's comment was a little unsettling, since prices are so different between the two states (or so I assume and heard). I have difficulty renegotiating every little job every day, with a 'friend'. But then, how will I ever learn? Finding out my worth is also unsettling. Am I really undercharging? How would I know? I'm just helping out! THAT's the problem, I don't see it as work. It's too easy for me! I matter-of-factly do these things that are so simple for me that I don't see them as worthwhile, or worth anything. We, as codpes, are taught not to compare ourselves to others, so I don't. Maybe that's more of a competition thing that I have confused with comparing for self-worth.I simply don't know the market value of what I can do. On the other hand, what my the market value is lower? Then what? Any ideas on prices? Me saving my friend money may be costing me profits. When am I going to learn to negotiate? How does one relieve themself of victim consciousness? Okay, now I'm depressed! (Ha). Perhaps I'm not as anxious as before, now that I'm making a little income and have something to occupy my mind most of the day. School is not as interesting since it's mostly lectures. I have to keep from going to sleep in class. The course work is not so much "How to..." it's more of what's been done by who, when. Some of the theories, little of the description of applications and why it works. It's a little boring. There are 11 different therapies, psychoanalysis (Freud's) is the one about lying on the couch, Person-centered is a non-directive approach (which I've experienced twice, and didn't like) where the client just talks about 'whatever'; where the client is presummed to know what's troubling them and they are allowed to talk it out. Gestalt is more problem-solving, and the behaviorists are even more goal oriented. They're the ones who want to get to the problem and solve it. Many therapists use a combination of each. My problem is whether the next two years or so are going to be worth the rewards, and am I going to be able to pay for it, and how. Simple, right? One thing missing at the moment is passion. Passion! Neither in my personal life or professional life. No art work, no desire. Common bleakness and drab. I need more. So here's the current situation: Pills to relief anxiety and mood swings, others for cholesterol and angina. Temporary work, meaningless work, present moment is okay, future is indeterminate. Plus I'm seeing a therapist, and helping a lady It's also just a moment in time and will change soon. It's the  do her Practicum for spiritual work, and I'm a student studying counseling. Perhaps I'm just tired. The patience required for waiting for expectations to manifest that can be waring, and how close reality will be when compared to those expectations is a watse of anxiety.  It's an overcast morning, the cat, dog, chickens, and deer have all been fed, now it's time to study.