Everything sucks
I am feeling very hopeless right now. And I feel guilty for that because I still have my son to think of, and I feel terrible that I can't so much as crack a smile. Things I used to enjoy up until my husband passed have no meaning...I can't get into tv, can't eat very much...just lost, empty, hopeless...the only thing filling up right now is the ashtray...again...
I keep going over and over the events of the past 2 months, the past week, the past year...time is passing so slowly it seems..right now all I want to do is speed it up and get it over with...I have never felt so devastated in my life...I loved him so very much...
It's like looking into a future that I don't have anymore...a future that I so desperately want, but can't have...when Tommy passed, a big part of me died...it's like a big empty void, an unquenchable thirst...I want to scream, cry, pound my fists and stomp my feet...but what good will that do? It won't bring him back...
I knew that there was a good chance that he would go first, being so much older than me...but at the same time, he was only 59...I honestly thought we would have at least 10 more good years together, until he got sick...
If I miss him this much after a week, how will I feel after a month? Two months? A year? bleak, bleak bleak...Lord help me...
I keep going over and over the events of the past 2 months, the past week, the past year...time is passing so slowly it seems..right now all I want to do is speed it up and get it over with...I have never felt so devastated in my life...I loved him so very much...
It's like looking into a future that I don't have anymore...a future that I so desperately want, but can't have...when Tommy passed, a big part of me died...it's like a big empty void, an unquenchable thirst...I want to scream, cry, pound my fists and stomp my feet...but what good will that do? It won't bring him back...
I knew that there was a good chance that he would go first, being so much older than me...but at the same time, he was only 59...I honestly thought we would have at least 10 more good years together, until he got sick...
If I miss him this much after a week, how will I feel after a month? Two months? A year? bleak, bleak bleak...Lord help me...
Replies
I totally understand everything you have written! We\'ve all been there at various stages. It is normal and there is nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately this is part of our grief. Go ahead and fill up the ashtray (I have) . . pound fists on something that won\'t hurt you or (them), throw a fit, scream and cry. Get it out. Much better than trying to hold it in. I often wished I had a white padded cell to let go of all my emotions, someplace \"safe\" to vent. I found DS was a great place to vent and be validated. I hope you will also. We are here . . . many have walked this path before us, some will walk beside you and others behind. This is part of life that unfortunately is unavoidable. Be gentle with self, breath, one day at a time . . all of these mantras may seem impossible, but with practice and patience you will get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. xo, Dayna
So very sorry for your loss. I hear from others here that pain lessens over time. So hang on there. I lost my beloved wife of 27 years not long ago. I am with you. Hugs. Tiger