Everything happens for a reason
Well, Jan 4 i miscarried the baby. I was devastated. Isaac was too. He's going through his phase right now where he's in another world. His schizophrenia really needs to be treated better. I love this man with all my heart. I even cry sometimes because i do. I finally saw him a couple weeks ago. He had mixed feelings with me, like i said he's acting weird again. His mom told me he hasn't been taking his meds and he needs to. He called me Wed and asked if i was still gonna go and see him, and i told him yes. So, i will go and see him tomorrow. I just want to be with him and settle down. I'm ready to be with him forever and i want to marry him. I know my family doesn't approve of him, but the only person who understands how much i love him is Dee Dee. She knows what it's like to love someone so much even though they treat you like shit. It's a desire of hoping they'll change but you cherish the moments of when they're great to be around. At least i know he wants me to come and see him. He was going through times where he'd call me once and he loved me. The next call he hated me and didn't want anything to do with me. Then he calls again and says he's sorry he didn't mean it. So i don't know what's going on. He's been like this since i told him i was pregnant. This is the second time i've miscarried ever and both times were his child. I think God wants us to be happy and stable first. Also maybe both of the babies weren't healthy at the time. I don't feel for Aaron the way i do Isaac. Isaac and i have a history, we've never lost touch. I needed him more than ever when i saw him, this last time. I got the comfort and consolation i wanted, but he's still in another world. I don't know what he's thinking. I just want him to go back to how good he was doing. I cried to him and told him i wanted the baby! He said he did too. It's still very hard for me to overcome this, and i think it helps having him by my side. I'm where i want to be with him forever, and go through whatever trials and tribulations we will go through. I can't get over him. It's extremely hard for me. And FINALLY his mom and i are getting along real well. His grandma i love her to death. There's this aura about her i can't explain. To me, it seems like she has a special gift. Something i can't explain. I totally look up to her, and respect her to the fullest.
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Here i am again missing Isaac when i\'m with someone else. Why does this always happen? Why cant i let go of him? Why is it that i always want him regardless of all the bullshit we\'ve been thru? I miss him and just cant be with him, because i cant handle his disorders. I love being around him when he\'s sweet and kind, but when his other personalities come out i cant deal with it. I want to leave my boyfriend because Isaac is always in my heart and mind. I cant ever let him go. It\'s been 11 years since i met his gorgeous man and we fell in love. I\'ve never fallen out of love with him, and never have stopped loving him. It\'s his disorder that i hate, its his negativity that comes out and the evil that comes out in him. I just want him to be normal, why cant he be fucking normal? the only man for me is so fucked up in the head, and i cant keep hurting him because i cant deal with his sickness, i love him when he\'s nice, i cant deal with his temper when it comes out. he\'s the only one for me, but we cant be together because i cant deal with it. i dont know what to do