everything and everyone is telling me 'no' right now

I am waiting for a video call with my therapist.

I can't wait - but I can't see her as my 'saving angel' either.

I have to be self responsible. 

The work here at the monastery is really dragging me down.

We do have a break for the next 5 days - which will be good -

though a little offcentering because I am used to being so structured here.

I'll capitolize on the free time and go to the gym - as well as apply for

positions (part time.)

For some reason I feel mentally fried today. The dynamics at the monastery

can be so crazy. One nun is constantly 'one upping' the entire group.

Well a couple of them do that.
We have quiet chit chat during the meal prep time that I am a part of -

and she took it into her hands to report us to the elder saying "God wants us to be silent

from idle talk" - it's just too retarded for words. The elder buys into her bullshit too

and sent us all a text with a crying face.

Similarly the sister in charge is constantly digging at me - I suppose it's her way 

of dealing with the choice of humanity - and or just going for the kill.

She asked me if I was going out today to the bank - and I said I could - 

so I told her I was going to one in Frederick. She then sent a message back

"I didn't know there was one in Frederick" - I sent her the link to both of them

that are there.

Then she replied "Well you should call them ahead of time to make sure they are not

just administrative offices?" I mean wtf - I have been to both of them before.

I sincerely look forward to applying for work - what the monastery has taught

will help me deal with the dynamics at either place hopefully.

Anyways, my spent mood and the bullshit at the monastery

is all telling me 'no, no there is no way you can get a job'

but I have to believe in myself that I can - I can't look to my therapist

to tell me I can either - though she is super supportive.

I have to believe in myself, I can do it! :)