Every day is one more day strugling to stay alive

Why couldn't my twin survive and not me. I'm a nobody with a history of abuse and attacks from the enemy. I would have given up years ago but I felt bad leaving my kids. They have no idea how much energy it takes to stay present in this world. I really am just so ready to quit. It would devestate them. I wish I could explain it to them. Mental illness is like cancer eating away at my mind soul and spirit. God forgive me. I'm tired of hospitals and reaching out. This has been the story of my life. The older I get the harder it is to not end my life each night. Jesus I am sorry that I do not appreciate this life you gave me it just seems I've been fighting off preditors all my life. I'm so tired. My heart wants to still worship you and believe you can redeem my story, but I'm sorry my faith is weak. Once again I am going to hope that your grace will see me through the night leaving me with some strength to go through another day.