Even more stupid...
Ok, so i am even more stupid than before... Why do i put myself in situations where my ex can hurt me much less say awful things. One minute, he's begging me to help him through rehab. The next, I'm awful and he hates me, usually I don't really know why, and he never wants to talk to me again. So, I go out with one of my guy FRIENDS and I'm not talking sketchy friends, I mean, if I could really be interested, in any way, with another guy at this point, i would be shouting it from teh rooftops. I'm still in love with my ex. I'm not physically attracted or emotionally interested in anyone else... I guess he knows that deep down and enjoys playing on it? I mean, I'm almost embarrassed to let anyone read this. My birthday is tomorrow. I was depressed all weekend because we had a huge fight Friday night after I went out with one of my girlfriends; I was so hurt by the things he said, and so blown away by the fact that they even mattered so much to me... I just feel like an idiot right now. He's still not in rehab, clearly. I guess that was all a hoax, or at least will be a hoax until he has to do it?!?!!? Am i just the stupid puppet or what? He says jump so i'll go to rehab, and I say how high? I don't want this anymore. I mean, I already knew that, but I don't want this miserable hurting feeling coursing through my veins anymore, and i know you all know what that is... It's like the antithesis of a drug addict, what it creates inside of you, the pain that you feel in response to the release and then let down that they feel. I'm sad to be spending my birthday without him. And I feel stupid for that. I guess part of it is just the change. After the way he talked to me tonight, I'm glad that he won't be part of my birthday. Maybe he won't be part of my life anymore, and i have to recognize that I can't save him. He was never really mine to save, as much as I tried to make that so. Wow, how pathetic am I? And how pathetic is it that i think I'm so pathetic. I never used to think such awful things of myself... Ok, done with the pity party, sorry. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow feeling happier, wiser...
Replies
ohhh sweety don\'t feel bad, i\'ve been there and still am where you are and go many times .... it\'s almost like addicts are bi-polar manipulators or something (well some are really bi-polar too on top of being addicts)... when him being nice doesn\'t work, he tries being mean... its manipulation....... and because we love them and they know it, they use any tool they can to try to get what they want.......
have you thought giving yourself two weeks without any contact with him at all? when my hub went to rehab last year the therapists there said to try to wait two weeks before making any decisions..... maybe not talking to him for two weeks, would still give you the option of not completely cut ties off with him [since you still love him] you could ask him for two weeks to think, no need for explanations, just that its something you need [just a suggestion.... you know i always just suggest, right :-) ]
i know its so painful to love an addict....... i\'m in the same boats and it\'s \"so rocky i get sea sick all the time\".... i\'m sorry your bd will be a little sad, i was without my hub for all holidays last year no phone call no letter nothing x-mas valentines etc... it was so sad......
i can tell you something i\'ve learned though regarding the rehab thing/..... no matter what EVEN if you say you\'ll wait for him and he goes or wtv... and something goes wrong, he\'ll probably blame you.... because he really has to go for himself.... and even when they go for themselves, doesn\'t mean they wont relapse.... it\'s a choice... if that\'s the life you want to choose never knowing when the nest lie the next relapse will happen..... a marriage, children with that man???? i\'m here and it\'s hard.......... but write anytime you want, i\'m here for you girl... i hope i never upset you with what i write remember it\'s all just thoughts from MY experiences living/loving an addict.....
UGH! This is so frustrating because the same thing is happening to me. I told him he had to move out because I couldn\'t do it anymore and he promised to change everything. What\'s sad is I hear these \"pretty lies\" all the time yet I always have hope for him....but has he changed anything??? NO! He doesn\'t go to meetings, he still works at a bar, he doesn\'t call when he says he\'s going to, then he tells me that I\'m crazy and he can\'t be around me because I make him want to drink! But then as soon as he\'s sick or wants to talk I\'m there. Is he there for me when I need him?? NO!
I guess they all do that. I guess they all lie...but I\'ve been questioning whether the lying is a side effect from the addiction...or if he just has no character? The man that I love has character and strength and integrity...yet I wonder if that man is just another of the endless series of pretty lies and broken dreams?
Sorry that was kind of a rant...hang in there...be blessed...and I will hope for you and for me!
that is my life too...i just let my h move back in and he had all kinds of nice things to say although he is sleeping in another room. he cleans,works, and avoids all conversation that would be personal and sensitive to my feelings and just talks and talks about work and family like i am just invisible and i have went through nothing...i tried to bring it up and he said...that is done...cant change it ...no reason to talk about it...i am sorry ....but that is that....i have to just think about now....as though i dont even have any input or feelings and if i do...keep them to myself...
emotionallly unavailable...
when i was young.....age 30 i saw this but was too young still to really see it was character....and not just work and all the other excuses he gave..the drinking is a factor but the personality is the character too and does not change........
now i have a child and
he has us upside down in debt from gambling too and he is a alcoholic and he tells me he does not know if we will financially make it and i should just let it go and i am so angry i could scream and he had a emotional affair 3 yrs ago...they manipulate,lie,self absorbed,use detached emotional abuse to get some sick high to control and having the last word..........
god help me
i only wish i could have seen this at 30
i waited a long time to get married after college and career to find mr right and he scammed me with this manipulation and charm and lies and i was niave and stupid and ignored all the bold red flags...........that screamed leave no matter how much it hurts now while you are young and child free and have no other attachments legally...or financially...now i have a man who had a affair,lied,blew the finances, renewed his alcoholism with the affair and brought that home, started smoking again,then started gambling bec he could not handle me being upset he said and lost money he had secretly kept that was suppose to pay off the house,and lost it all lots of money while tellling me things were tough, and now we are almost bankrupt....things dont get better....they are too self focused on just being selfish.
at 30 i did call a aa person on a 800 line and he screamed for me to leave him and was even nasty to me that i had to get out and that he would not change and i was being conned and i thought he was being mean and too judgemental....i would have hurt for a year but i would had a different life for the rest of my life.