Even more stupid...

Ok, so i am even more stupid than before... Why do i put myself in situations where my ex can hurt me much less say awful things. One minute, he's begging me to help him through rehab. The next, I'm awful and he hates me, usually I don't really know why, and he never wants to talk to me again. So, I go out with one of my guy FRIENDS and I'm not talking sketchy friends, I mean, if I could really be interested, in any way, with another guy at this point, i would be shouting it from teh rooftops. I'm still in love with my ex. I'm not physically attracted or emotionally interested in anyone else... I guess he knows that deep down and enjoys playing on it? I mean, I'm almost embarrassed to let anyone read this. My birthday is tomorrow. I was depressed all weekend because we had a huge fight Friday night after I went out with one of my girlfriends; I was so hurt by the things he said, and so blown away by the fact that they even mattered so much to me... I just feel like an idiot right now. He's still not in rehab, clearly. I guess that was all a hoax, or at least will be a hoax until he has to do it?!?!!? Am i just the stupid puppet or what? He says jump so i'll go to rehab, and I say how high? I don't want this anymore. I mean, I already knew that, but I don't want this miserable hurting feeling coursing through my veins anymore, and i know you all know what that is... It's like the antithesis of a drug addict, what it creates inside of you, the pain that you feel in response to the release and then let down that they feel.  I'm sad to be spending my birthday without him. And I feel stupid for that. I guess part of it is just the change. After the way he talked to me tonight, I'm glad that he won't be part of my birthday. Maybe he won't be part of my life anymore, and i have to recognize that I can't save him. He was never really mine to save, as much as I tried to make that so. Wow, how pathetic am I? And how pathetic is it that i think I'm so pathetic. I never used to think such awful things of myself... Ok, done with the pity party, sorry. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow feeling happier, wiser...