Eve of my 38th Birthday
Wow....I feel old....tired...emotionally exhausted......but I feel like a kid at the same time.....
I didn't get to be 18
I didn't get to be 21
I want to let loose
I want to do all the stuff I never got to do
I want to know what it is to really laugh
I remember the once I laughed over a board game with a friend when I was 12yrs....I remember wanting to keep on laughing....god, she must have thought I was crazy...
I never really got to laugh again.......and I must have some how known back then it would be a long long time til I laughed again.
So, today feeling ill...weird....lonely....I'm making some big decisions.....
It is time to let go of the 'dead weights' in my life......
I sit here alone.....where are they? I don't mean to be dramatic.....but I only want the people who count.
Tonight My elder sister...who never, as a child or adult gave me the time of day....visited my mum today....and maybe the stupid child in me thought she would pop by, hearing I was under the weather ,with a birthday card. I tidied up the place, wanting to show her I was on top of life....even mowed the garden...with a headache and sickness....now in a clammy sweat.....then as the weather storm crashed in...I realised that of course she wasn't coming by....yes she was picking her kids up from my mums, yes I was so on her route home...in fact...she had to drive past my house to 'get' home...but ....'she wasn't coming'...she never, ever did...
I'm as insignificant to her...as I was when I was...6....13.....16....25....35....
but you see
she's the only one who got away
she's the only one of us....who has a good marriage....a very successful husband....its like, if she comes too close to me....I'll infect her...
and with a heart full of guilt for feeling this....I hate her
I hate her rejection
I hate the way for 38 yrs I've tried to 'earn ' it.....
I hate the fact she escaped and left her youngest kid sister 'there'
I hate her lack of time
I hate her ego
I hate her.......leaving me there...never ever helping me....laughing at me....never being there......letting mum get her claws on me...while she escaped...
urgh...where did those feelings come from?
Tomorrow my other sister arrives....to save me....we have a pact....but she's bored...and i can hear it in her tone....but god, I'm bored with this.....who can blame her...pact or no pact...code words since we were 6
just to check we weren't turning in to the monsters around us.....don't worry if you don't understand.....only 'we' are meant to...
A pact made...by 2 kids...who hate what is happening....hate each other..because what we represent...what we reflect is so ugly...is pain....her loneliness is mine...her pain she avoids...is written all over my face...if I can be happy..she can....if I fail...she fails....urghh....
seriously...do not know where this has come from....
but all this needs to come out...
When its out...I'll let it go....
I think its going to be lonely for the next few years...
I think there will be no boyfriend.
I think there will be no elder sister...I have to grieve her..let her go...she was never there...abuse piled upon abuse...for some reason she had to 'mock' her youngest, neglected sibling, in order to escape her pain....
so, today...on the eve of my 38th birthday...I let her go......a person who mocked me...a person I needed...a person who for some crazy reason hated everything about me....even though I never got the chance to be' anyone...' (so , how could she hate me so much?)
I never got the chance to be anyone
fuck...that sounds serious....
I also never got the chance to swear...
I'm taking that 'right'. back
funny time...when I have a teenage kid!!!!
This might sound like despair.....but in these depths...I'm fighting hard....hard to be me....with pride....and I promise myself things are going to change now...there's going to be a lot of good byes....but some fresh air...is going to come my way...
happy birthday me!!!! xxxxxx
I didn't get to be 18
I didn't get to be 21
I want to let loose
I want to do all the stuff I never got to do
I want to know what it is to really laugh
I remember the once I laughed over a board game with a friend when I was 12yrs....I remember wanting to keep on laughing....god, she must have thought I was crazy...
I never really got to laugh again.......and I must have some how known back then it would be a long long time til I laughed again.
So, today feeling ill...weird....lonely....I'm making some big decisions.....
It is time to let go of the 'dead weights' in my life......
I sit here alone.....where are they? I don't mean to be dramatic.....but I only want the people who count.
Tonight My elder sister...who never, as a child or adult gave me the time of day....visited my mum today....and maybe the stupid child in me thought she would pop by, hearing I was under the weather ,with a birthday card. I tidied up the place, wanting to show her I was on top of life....even mowed the garden...with a headache and sickness....now in a clammy sweat.....then as the weather storm crashed in...I realised that of course she wasn't coming by....yes she was picking her kids up from my mums, yes I was so on her route home...in fact...she had to drive past my house to 'get' home...but ....'she wasn't coming'...she never, ever did...
I'm as insignificant to her...as I was when I was...6....13.....16....25....35....
but you see
she's the only one who got away
she's the only one of us....who has a good marriage....a very successful husband....its like, if she comes too close to me....I'll infect her...
and with a heart full of guilt for feeling this....I hate her
I hate her rejection
I hate the way for 38 yrs I've tried to 'earn ' it.....
I hate the fact she escaped and left her youngest kid sister 'there'
I hate her lack of time
I hate her ego
I hate her.......leaving me there...never ever helping me....laughing at me....never being there......letting mum get her claws on me...while she escaped...
urgh...where did those feelings come from?
Tomorrow my other sister arrives....to save me....we have a pact....but she's bored...and i can hear it in her tone....but god, I'm bored with this.....who can blame her...pact or no pact...code words since we were 6
just to check we weren't turning in to the monsters around us.....don't worry if you don't understand.....only 'we' are meant to...
A pact made...by 2 kids...who hate what is happening....hate each other..because what we represent...what we reflect is so ugly...is pain....her loneliness is mine...her pain she avoids...is written all over my face...if I can be happy..she can....if I fail...she fails....urghh....
seriously...do not know where this has come from....
but all this needs to come out...
When its out...I'll let it go....
I think its going to be lonely for the next few years...
I think there will be no boyfriend.
I think there will be no elder sister...I have to grieve her..let her go...she was never there...abuse piled upon abuse...for some reason she had to 'mock' her youngest, neglected sibling, in order to escape her pain....
so, today...on the eve of my 38th birthday...I let her go......a person who mocked me...a person I needed...a person who for some crazy reason hated everything about me....even though I never got the chance to be' anyone...' (so , how could she hate me so much?)
I never got the chance to be anyone
fuck...that sounds serious....
I also never got the chance to swear...
I'm taking that 'right'. back
funny time...when I have a teenage kid!!!!
This might sound like despair.....but in these depths...I'm fighting hard....hard to be me....with pride....and I promise myself things are going to change now...there's going to be a lot of good byes....but some fresh air...is going to come my way...
happy birthday me!!!! xxxxxx
Replies
I love this entry. I love the free-flow, stream of consciousness feel of it. I think it\'s a very cathartic way to get our inner critic out on paper and all the pent up feelings, without guarding our words our thoughts our typing ...
What a great birthday gift you\'ve given to yourself !!!
As to your narcissistic, hurtful sister -- reclaim your power. don\'t look to her for validation or approval. she doesn\'t deserve you.
As to the sister with whom you have the pact, the bond ... is there a new tradition you 2 can create on your birthday? Go to an amusement park and get on a roller coaster and scream and laugh and curse up a storm! Is there a way to have F U N together? Rather than the \"care-taking\" of each other\'s pain and woundedness?
Here\'s to Fresh Air! Happy Birthday!
Ok, so here\'s a joke, for your birthday. I hope you enjoy it, but if you don\'t ... well, you can always delete this post LOL:
*****************************************************************
A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, is she is menstruating or Menopausal, she tends to be attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
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Let\'s see if this works here:
Happy Birthday to you **.
.** Happy Birthday to you **
. .** Happy Birthday !!!!! *
*. .** Happy Birthday to you! **.
Oh good, it works! So let\'s try this one:
(v)
..birthday day
..) .) to you
(. (. (.
Hoping you have a great day my friend !
Love it all....especially the joke....really funny...thanks for making me feel cared for amelah...goes a long long way right now xxxxx
:-D Congrats on surviving the day !! and glad to help brighten your special day. And it is special. Because you are special.
((HUGS))
Well done to you you are getting through! Don\'t worry and don\'t expect the normal stuff off your sibs. Since I\'ve accepted this I\'ve been able to move forward. Hard to begin with, but then you are living the truth, and the truth gives you a quiet and amazing strength.
I was so angry when my baby grandkids got ignored by my sibs. My auntie too. She spent a day out in our town a couple of weeks after one of them was born (my dad let it slip). Didn\'t visit! Hurtful! Well then, yes, but I seriously don\'t care now. I understand that the proper bonds were just not connected all those years before. Love all the jokes! xxxxx
Thanks guys xxxxx