evaluation evolution

it's a war, somehow I'm perpetuating.
she never tries to see my side, work at my level. not open to new/different ideas.
my actions speak more than my words - so when I have behavior that doesn't match what I want, it says different than what I'm speaking. So why do I behave that way?  learned behavior, reactive, defensive.   am I lying  to myself?
if I explain how I feel, then I end up making it about me. then I just do the grandma thing.
If I try to say I don't like what she's doing, it's a personal attack
If I am offended by something she says, I'm taking it too personal.
 
I can't see the difference between much of it, I think she feels I'm lying to be passive aggressive - which I know I have a tendency for so it is always to blame. is that true?
 
I want to die still, I thought things were better.  I think they are. I don't feel so out of control, but I still feel like I wish I were dead often.  I can't face her this morning. She'll be upset and I don't know what to say.