Estrangement with love

Instead of bothering people on the support boards, I'm going to journal instead.  It helped me during my divorce all those years ago, so feel it might help with this.
Today is my resolve to "walk away with love".  I will be giving my daughters the gift of making their choices freely without feeling any obligation for me.  I am freeing myself of feeling like nothing more than a burden and an obligation.  I know they all view me as that, so I will set them free to no longer feel that way and just be "Smiths" (their father and extended family) and not have to think about me at all.
I can do this in silence and believe they will understand why.  The love is there, but the last 7 years since the divorce have been so very difficult...them choosing their father over me.  No doubt he's happy and never mentions me to them in any way (positive or negative).  That would be beneath someone as perfect as him.  I, on the other hand, admit to slipping every now and then in front of my daughters and will say something negative about their father.  I try to refrain, but sometimes fail.  Then I get "the look" from my daughters (mostly my youngest), that says, "DON'T MOM".  Her father is her white knight, always "saving her when I let her down" (her words) as he's the one with the money...paying her college bills, bought her a new car recently.  She lives with him and his wife in our old family home, so no doubt she feels more like their daughter now than mine.  It all just makes me sad. 
I need to free myself from thinking about them all the time...wondering if they ever think about me.  I have no doubt they talk about me as most siblings do about their parents.  I know what they say, "Mom makes it SO difficult every time we come home to visit. Mom makes it SO difficult at the holidays."  All I have asked for is fairness from them...to split their visits equally between their father's house and mine, but they feel uncomfortable at my house with just dh and I (and at holidays with his sons who are addicts - one full-blown addict, 2 in recovery).  Nothing in common, so I'm sure they feel uncomfortable whereas at their father's house, there is liquor that can be drank at the holidays unlike my house and there is extended family as well.  I can compete with none of it and am done trying.
So, after 7 years of what feels like I've been fighting a custody battle I can't win, I am going to step aside.  I will love them from afar and be there for them if they ever need me.  If they call or text, I will respond politely, make no waves...but, when they come to visit, I will decline to see them.  I am tired of getting merely crumbs of their time.  I will let them know next time they come to visit, if they can't stay at my house half time and give me equal time, I will decline to see them.  I did this once and I made myself very clear and they came around.  Time to do it again.  And, if they choose to put their own feelings first as they usually do, that's fine.  That's their God-given right and I will accept that.  No more begging for them to join ME instead of their father on the holidays.  They won't even hear from me. 
I'm not sure if what I'm doing is estrangement or not.  Just pulling back...stepping aside, so I can feel joy and peace again in my life instead of the constant pain of feeling like the secondary parent, the outsider looking in and feeling "less than", less loved...
As of today, I have not spoken to DD30 since Thanksgiving when our conversation ended rather uncomfortably.  Her asking me what it was like for me at her sister's wedding seeing her father again (it had been 4 years).  I should have said "fine" and left it at that, but, I felt she could handle the truth so said, "It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be.  I admit though, seeing him be all affection with his new wife was difficult since he was never that way with me."  Instead of being compassionate, she said, "Gee, Mom.  I thought you would have forgiven him by now and moved on."  My reply to that was, "I've remarried.  If that's not moving on, I don't know what is."  She said no more. 
I understand my daughters love their father, but now that they are adults, I thought they'd now understand that what he did to me affected me deeply (after all, I loved the man for 27 years and we had a great life together and 4 kids).  I guess they never will understand and I accept that.  I believe my DD29 said it right, "Everyone's different and dad has flaws."  But, lieing and cheating are huge flaws that don't set right with me, but my daughters just didn't seem to care.  I really didn't get that.  He IS a good father...has given them everything - cars, college education, airline tickets home, etc...I can't compete with that and shouldn't have to.  However, it's his extended family that is the very thing he has a hold on them with that I don't and there's nothing I can do about that.  I have invited them to my dh's family's holidays (only 2 hours away), but they always refuse to go.  :(  It's the only family I have here and everyone else's adult children are there except mine. 
As of today, I am stepping back from DD23 who lives with her father and gives me "the look" which I simply do not want to see anymore.  I have only heard from DD29 once since they visited last month and that was a short text the day after my birthday saying Happy Belated Birthday.  Sorry...forgot my phone yesterday and we were in the city all day.  (Forget her phone?  Not likely.)  I just texted her back a "Thanks" the following day.  DD30 also texted me a day late and I did the same with her.  I got phone calls from my parents, my siblings, but not one from my own children.  My youngest texted me on the day and my DD27 I never even heard from.
So, this is my choice.  I need to unburden my children and just wish them well on this journey of life and unburden myself from the pain.  At least not seeing them at visits and holidays will be because of MY choice and so hopefully will hurt less.