epiphany
as I become more involved with work here -
i have tended to sense that the feeling towards me
was hatred or annoyance by others - when you sense
how others feel - that's how it feels -
tonight it really peaked while at the monastery chapel...
but then I remembered my time at Pavilions.
How I would feel that and then realize it wasn'tÂ
true - and that days go by and things change
people may be annoyed for their own reasons
and they may be thinking or experiencing
whatever
but the thought put me in touch with my friends
at Pavilions and indeed life in California too.
Replies
I think in my journey towards being self responsible and healing I have felt such
the pressure to be what I was allowed to be - and so I became extremely rigid
attendantly. I've come to the monastery and that kind of pressure has been
magnified with the kind of order here.... Today I recognized or admitted to my
real emotional life and have got to start going for 'what I actually like.'
It's been good here but there's such a clickey kind of FOMO culture.
I just know the emotional life here is not suited to me -
I am no longer concerned with this being something that I am supposed to like.
after more than half a century of recovery work, the best i've managed is to **just** be mindful of it and not run like a beaten crazy bitch wolf when i feel certain that the chickens are in their coops, conspiring to take me down so that they can replace me with a human who keeps the water fresher. ingrates. . .
sigh. . . wherever i go, with whomever i do or don't sit, there i am, social anxiety and all, with my FOMOs gnawing at my heart,
WHERE'S MY PERFECT LIFE!?!?!?!?! where's my perfect me?
in my own quest to create the perfect me, i've begun to question my measure of what i'm supposed to like. all to often i have gotten my preferences only to find myself pulling my hair out and crying, "what was i thinking?" maybe god really did make me just the way she wanted. maybe she really does have the perfect plan. maybe.
Thanks Arfie. I need to read this again later.