Epiphany

Funny.  Sometimes you don't see things until someone else has the same problem.  I'm refering to my new group Caring For Aging Parents.  One of the members was asking how to help her 60 year old father who is competent, but obviously needs help.  I answered that sometimes our parents are like 19 year olds.  They're considered competent and adults, so legally we can't do anything even if we see they're getting in trouble.  We just need to be there if they fall.
And so it is for most of us with legally competent parents.  My dad looks and sounds normal unless you're living in the house with him.  That's when you see his argumentative, non-trusting, paranoid that has plauged him most of his life.  I've spent the past 7 months trying to help him.  Impossible.  I've felt the wait of my attempts to care for him while he fights it every step of the way.  I've suffered with high blood pressure and headaches.  Still, he's an independent pain in the butt that I love and worry about.
So how do I handle it going forward?  I do nothing except be there for him if he falls.  In other words, I treat him like a teenager who is legally an adult.  I have no choice.
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

may I ask if he has alcohol issues? As if reminds me of dealing with my Mike. Didn\'t understand what was happening...dementia, oxygen issue to brain?...only to find down the road that it was his liver failing. Causing toxins to get into his brain. God bless and give you wisdom and peace in dealing with him. I think of the quote I love from the book \"Eat, Pray, Love\": Texas says \"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.\" :) Hope that got a smile. xoxox
Truhal
Truhal

He doesn\'t drink or smoke. He just has old fashioned ideas of the role of men and women. My husband got more respect from him. In fact, many times I\'d have my husband tell him something as I knew he wouldn\'t listen to me. Now, that\'s not possible.
deleted_user
deleted_user

oh sorry thought it was irradic behaviour for him. Understand this situation well. Hope things getting better for you. xxoxo
songsofthenight
songsofthenight

lol...I understand that completely...my bigbear was 14 years older than me and he was from the old school, so he had a very rude awakening when he met me....I\'d tell him to get on his rug, go to your man cave....lol...but we loved each other (as we found each other late in live I was 44 and he was 58) so we could take it as the joke that it was, oh, I\'m not saying life was a bed of roses, we had times when he thought one way, I thought another but we worked things out with love and laughter....but then it\'s different with husbands and wives than with fathers and daughters.....just my opinion....
Truhal
Truhal

Things may be different with parents, but I\'ve also seen the similarity. I\'ve decided to stop being a doormat and just be there for him if he needs me. I\'ve turned him over to God who is infintely better at caring for my father than I will ever be.
deleted_user
deleted_user

My father is a cancer survivor that now has necrosis of the bones and dementia. He gets on my mother all the time for little things. I had them sign a medical power of attorney so that he cannot get angry with my mother when she has to make the tough decisions. I had him thrown into intensive care and he threw me out when I came to visit. He would not talk to me for two months after that. I live knowing that if he had not gotten the medical care he would not be here today. I have no guilt for doing the right thing. Sometimes we have to put our emotions aside and understand that they have evolved into different people than the parent that raised us. Every time I make a medical decision I step back, take a breath and tell myself that if he were able to see things clearly he would do the same thing. God Bless You!
Ronda
Truhal
Truhal

My dad has always been difficult, so it\'s not age or a medical condition. He\'s spent his life alienating people. The tough part for me is that all of the people he used to argue with are now dead(the last died 8 months ago) so now his anger is all directed at me. Everybody else hangs up on him.
DianeMTB
DianeMTB

I admire you that you are mature enough to know how to handle your dad. Aging parents got taken from me as my dad died when I was almost three and my mom died when I was 33 years of age. I had no choice in the matter. In some ways it is good to have our parents around still and in other ways it is a hard responsibility that I admire all of you that have to deal with aging parents. It is hard work. All the best to you from Diane B.