Epiphany

So, I have been severely depressed for I'd say a month now.  I tried to work after a two week break and had a debilitating panic attack. I have been less anxious but have been sleeping quite a lot because when I am awake, it is awful.  The thoughts in my head make me feel sick to my stomach.  There's a running list of all of the things I have to do and haven't done and who's probably mad at me because I haven't done "it."   I have been thinking about how I want to feel normal again.  I want to be able to get out of bed without thinking about it.  I want to do things (anything) without having to force myself to do it.  I'd like to take a walk on a pretty day without wanting to cry. I hate feeling helpless.  My doctor said I should try to get on a normal schedule.  I realized I have never had a normal schedule and don't even know what that would be.  It occurs to me that there's some small part of me (maybe not so small) that would rather not be better, because then I would have to deal with the stressors of life that I don't feel like I can handle.  If I go back to "normal" does that mean I need to keep going the way I did?  Clearly I cannot.  My friend said a car gets more long-term mileage at 65mph than 110.  He says I go at 110.  And it's true.  That's what I think of as the me I should be.  Going on all cylinders and always moving.  I feel guilty when I'm not doing something.  So I can't relax.  Thus the anxiety. I know I need to make major changes in my life to get better.  I suppose better now than later.  I think I've always known that I go to fast and too hard for a while then burn out; which always makes me feel awful about myself. I know I need to change this behavior and be more even-keeled.  I just feel like I don't have a sense of who I would be if I weren't trying THAT hard all of the time.  But I guess, given the alternative, which is whatever THIS is, it's better. So maybe this is less of an epiphany than a slow dawning.  Coming to grips with the fact that I really need to figure out how to cope with life on a day-to-day basis better.  The basics like getting out of bed and eating.  I don't remember to do those normal things a lot of the time.  I'm sure there's some reason in there I haven't quite figured out for why I am not good at taking care of myself or don't feel like I'm allowed to, but I still haven't gotten to the bottom of that one yet. Sometimes saying it "out loud" helps.