epiphany
I deserve to be treated good. I deserve to be happy. I don’t exist just to make others happy. My dad was wrong. HE was wrong- not me. And I’ve spent my whole life trying to adhere to his misery- trying to make him happy. But it was a fool’s hope. B/c we can’t make people happy. The only person we can make happy is us.
So I’m sorry Dad- as much as I adore you and I would give almost anything to have you view life like it’s worth living- I can’t drown with you anymore. I have to find my own joy. You choose to drink. I am powerless over the effect that has on you. You make that choice. It’s YOU. You’re not broke b/c of the economy- you’re broke b/c you’re an alcoholic- you’ve been in the bottle for 20 fucking years. You choose to blame others for your problems. You push away everyone who loves and cares for you b/c you fucking hate yourself. You don’t listen- ever. So I’m sorry, truly, and from the bottom of my heart- I’m so fucking sorry. But the reason I have such a hard time rejecting damaged people is b/c I haven’t rejected you. And you’re the most damaged of them all. So I have to reject you. I’m sorry. I love you so much. And I know if I told you this you would tell me how selfish I am. Maybe that’s true. But I get now that it’s either me or you. And you’ve chosen you- so I have to choose me. Your description of yourself and your actions never matched. It’s so hard to love such a bastard. It’s so hard to see the good in someone so damaged. But my love will never go, my concern will never go. But my attention has to. Or I might as well just put a bullet in my head. If I don’t make this change I’m gonna end up just like you. That’s just not acceptable.
So I’m sorry Dad- as much as I adore you and I would give almost anything to have you view life like it’s worth living- I can’t drown with you anymore. I have to find my own joy. You choose to drink. I am powerless over the effect that has on you. You make that choice. It’s YOU. You’re not broke b/c of the economy- you’re broke b/c you’re an alcoholic- you’ve been in the bottle for 20 fucking years. You choose to blame others for your problems. You push away everyone who loves and cares for you b/c you fucking hate yourself. You don’t listen- ever. So I’m sorry, truly, and from the bottom of my heart- I’m so fucking sorry. But the reason I have such a hard time rejecting damaged people is b/c I haven’t rejected you. And you’re the most damaged of them all. So I have to reject you. I’m sorry. I love you so much. And I know if I told you this you would tell me how selfish I am. Maybe that’s true. But I get now that it’s either me or you. And you’ve chosen you- so I have to choose me. Your description of yourself and your actions never matched. It’s so hard to love such a bastard. It’s so hard to see the good in someone so damaged. But my love will never go, my concern will never go. But my attention has to. Or I might as well just put a bullet in my head. If I don’t make this change I’m gonna end up just like you. That’s just not acceptable.
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