Entry 2: Wed, April 11, 2018

This morning I woke up with a lot less motivation and excitment for "turning a new leaf" as I was yesterday.  My first thought was: "Oh, great... it's morning again."  My second thought was: "I feel like doing absolutely nothing today...gee, that didn't take long for you give up on; typical you." 

It was an easy cascade to put into motion.  Next thing I knew, I was letting my anxiety take the driver's seat again and I was beginning to let the worries and stresses of the last week begin to pile up in my brain all under a record time!  I tried ignoring my sucky feeling of giving up and my anxiety by watching TV.  Sometime during the 24 minute episode, something clicked in my mind and I was reminded of the advice I was given by a friend here on DS.  So, I took a deep breath and wished myself a good morning as well as reminded myself that today, no matter what, will be a good day. Period. I physically got out of bed and took the pup out for a walk (because I wanted to, not because I had to). 

On my walk I thought about what I WANTED to do today.  To be honest, it was rather difficult since all I wanted to do today was waste away the day with Hulu and Netflix with occasional naps.  I figured, since I'm trying something new and I don't want to burn myself out, I would come up with a compromise:  I would come up with a few tasks that will be productive, yet ones I can still enjoy in the comfort of my home and sweatpants.  Maybe tomorrow, I'll actually get out and go somewhere... 

One of the things that I wanted to do today was to rewrite a flowchart that one of my co-workers had shared with me.  I've come across a lot of flowcharts similar to this one but none of them resonated with me as much as this one.  Every since he shared this (last Tuesday) with me, I thought I would wake up in the mornings and copy it once or twice so it will stick into my brain but that didn't pan out as well as I hoped.  However, yesterday as my anxiety was kicking into gear, I remember the chart and talked my way through it.  Oddly enough, it helped a little.  I mean the thoughts didn't completely escape and they did resurface occasionaly throughout the day, but I was able to breath with a little more ease as well as put energy into other things that were souly all about me.  It felt amazing, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, even if momentarily.   Thinking back to that moment allowed me to gain a little momentum.  I realized that I want this flowchart to be part of my daily routine!  

I wanted to share this flowchart with y'all!  It's writtten in a somewhat joking manner (towards the end) but the message is just as real!  I hope that it will help you just as it is helping me :D 




I’ll bet there’s an app for that too

Thats a really good chart...

its true what it's saying lol

but reading your journal resonated with me.
the dreaded feeling as soon as you awake
& how the anxiety can take over...
anxiety part is the worse part of depression
on days when my anxiety is too high
I cant fight it
its like a renders me helpless. ..
but if its at low to medium level of anxiety
I can use techniques to self manipulate myself into a better state
to re balance state of mind. .
playing this silly game of solitaire on my phone app distracts me..lol
so I find distraction is a great thing
if u can find something that you enjoy to distract you.

sometimes music helps
other times a movie I find helps me escape from my life
as im sucked into the film..
I make sure its nothing too sad to watch. .lol
it has to harmonise with whatever emotion I hav.
comedies are the best...

its true that laughter really is the best medicine lol

I am such a fidget
that I cant stay still to give something concentration
I can stay stil to watch a half hour program
& most stuff I watch has to be recorded lol
because I can't cope with adverts!
but anything past an hour especially,
has me restless
so I indulge with having some snacks
it keeps me watching the film lol
its like I need to do something with my hands
because anxiety makes u feel like u cant do anything in that moment as just breathing becomes a job lol
head spinning.
& it's like swirlers in the tummy
even my hands can shake & feel as anxious as me
as if they now have a separate personality. .

so yes its mad how contradictory the feeling become.
I feel sleep or lying down helps me be more still like I just dont want to move. .

but if i get up
I can't stay still.
I have to be in movement. .
often I will pace back & fore like a restless lion lol
or sit in my chair rocking back n fore..

I cant attempt in moments like that to distract myself by house jobs etc
as its like the anxiety is in my hands too
& I just get the feeling to smash or throw whatever is in my hand
with much regret later lol

so stopped doing that. .
so iv learned to leave the house alone if its high level anxiety. .

going outside really can lift you...
when im out of my house
im not too bad
because the focus to not look like a crazy lady seems to keep me in check lol
& my brain become distracted if im out

the hard job for me
is getting out lol
because aggro phobia is something I also struggle with & fluctuates. ..

I cant do town or anything if im too anxious lol
but walks around a beach or around trees
just general nice scenery really helps.
& always feel much better for it when I go back home after the fresh air
as it invigorates .

your doing really well
that despite how you felt
you pushed yourself & changed the situation for yourself to more positive outcome.
so thats a gold star right there . You did not fail yourself. .
I know what u mean though.
you go to bed after feeling fired up for the day
then wake up like the world suddenly feels black.
a sunken dreaded feeling. .
& you feel like its a failure
before you had time to launch...
but the fact you woke up feeling defeated by low motivation etc
you & you alone did what was right
you faced the challenge
& made yourself give the effort to change & alter the control depression had on you..
you should be proud of yourself that despite a bad start
you stil made yourself push past it
& I know how difficult that can be
especially when the 'motivation' is needed. ..

people with depression are often their own worse critics lol
so I hope you reflect back your day after putting in the effort
to feel positive that a an obstacle was thrown at you
& you smashed past it...

that doesn't sound like failure to me...
like I said
the effort you put in
& the achievement you gained
you should mentally give your self esteem a gold star..
well deserved...

You’re doing great. I’m happy your DS friend is helping.
I woke up nauseated. I didn’t remember to say good morning, Laurie.

Thanks @soul2soul and @StarBrightGal! Honestly, I didn't get as much done today... I just woke up from a 3.5 hour nap and I felt very disappointed in myself. But reading these kind, boosting words from both of you put a smile on my face and gave me a new hit of motivation for the day! Thanks so much guys :D

@soul2soul- i didnt realize it until you mentioned it, but i feel the exact same way when it comes to the level of my anxiety! if it is medium level, its very easy to distract myself with menial tasks and TV. But if it is a high level of anxiety, it becomes way too much for me so I begin to "shut off" and just want to sleep or drink to get away from it all. At high levels of anxiety, TV shows and menial tasks make it worse, but I think i should try going out like you do... the outdoors and nature usually have a great effect on me :D

@StarBrightGal- you do realize that YOU are the DS friend im talking about right?! lol and im sorry you didnt get a chance to wish yourself a good morning, so I shall wish you a good afternoon.... GOOD AFTERNOON @StarBrightGal!

What? Me? Noway! LOL! I’ll try to remember to say Good Night, Laurie when I go to bed tonight.

@StarBrightGal: DUUUUHHH! lol it was the first realistic advice that Id gotten in a while and I ran with it! :D Im glad! Imma def say "Good Night Deepa and DS friends" tonight <3

I like the chart & a little humor is great! One day at a time my friend - keep writing here. You have support.
:) Linda